'Bachelor' Valentines To Hand Out On Feb. 14th

Do you smell that in the air? It's the scent of chalky heart-shaped candies. And it's the scent of flower shop workers preparing for what is one of the busiest workdays of the year. And it's the scent of the picked over red and pink aisles of grocery store greeting card sections. The combination of those three scents can only mean one thing: Valentine’s Day is upon us. That said, the current season of the most romantic TV program in the history of TV programs inspired me to write a few Valentine poems/notes. And that TV program is, but of course, The Bachelor. I picked out some of my favorite moments from Chris Soules's season. And then, I turned those moments into truly beautiful, truly special Valentines.

Pro tip: Print the notes out on red card stock. Tie each note to the stem of a red rose. Make your Valentine (or Valentines) stand on the opposite side of the room. Sigh before you call up your Valentine and ask him/her if he/she will accept this rose. Hand your Valentine the rose and note. Make your Valentine read the note aloud. Whether you have one Valentine or 12, repeat those steps until you're out of rose notes. IT'S YOUR VERY OWN ROSE CEREMONY!!!

For the Valentine who is your Prince/Princess Farming:

Roses are redCorn is yellowWill you be mineYou farming, er, charming fellow?

For a Valentine who ditched the group date for a Big & Rich concert:

Roses are redTractors are slowWait, where are you?Where did you go?

For a Valentine who you feel VERY strongly about:

Valentine—You’re so perfectI want to cryIt’s like an onionGot in my eye(Or maybe it’s a pomegranate?)

For a Valentine who is nothing short of amazing:

Amazing Valentine—You’re AMAZING. Valentine’s Day is AMAZING. Everything is AMAZING.

For the Valentine who is an extraterrestrial:

You are most definitely an alienBecause you are out of this world!

For the Valentine who loves any opportunity to make a wish:

Valentine—Rub my belly button ring

For the Valentine who you have a ~real connection~ with:

Valentine—<3 I would drink unpasteurized goat milk for you <3

Pro tip number 2: Before you begin the Rose Ceremony, ask each Valentine if he/she is in it for the right reasons. And after each Valentine answers, take a deep breath, and excuse yourself from the room. Return to the room after 10 minutes. Start handing out roses. I guarantee this will enhance what is an already incredibly romantic mood.


Images: Rick Rowell/ABC; soyzilla (2), bachelorabc (4)/tumblr; ABC