It's Fifty Shades of Grey season, with the movie debuting tomorrow, and you've either made the conscious decision to see it, or the conscious decision to figure out a way to tell people you're going to see it without sounding like you actually want to see it (even though you totally do). If it's the latter, you're probably agonizing over this justification to offer those curious about your weekend plans. Because with all of the book's poorly written lines, what self respecting person would watch Fifty Shades of Grey in earnest, amirite? Hahaha ...
Okay, but let's have real talk, though. It's me, Mary Grace. You don't have to hide the truth. Do you really, genuinely, in your heart of hearts just want to watch the story of a dashing billionaire sadist and his clumsy, wide-eyed girlfriend/submissive? (Don't worry, we all do!) You can tell me, I won't respect you any less. Well okay, I won't respect you much less, but I doubt any of you are hinging on earning my respect.
You are a grown up and a champion, and if you sincerely want to see Fifty Shades of Grey, then more power to you. But honestly, don't pepper that desire with a lot of bogus excuses and lies. For example, these common lines we'll all be hearing shortly ...
1. "I'm just going to see the sex scenes."
This is the Pumpkin Spice Latte of excuses, and while there is some degree of truth there, I am of a strong conviction that you don't have to turn to Fifty Shades of Grey for purposes of titillation. There's plenty of stellar written erotica out there (I adore Anaïs Nin to the ends of the Earth and back) and super sexy films you can stream from the comfort of your Netflix account. You want to see Fifty Shades for more than just the sex scenes, so own it!
2. "I'm just going to laugh at it."
There's nothing better than pulling a Mystery Science Theater 3000 with your friends, but let's be realistic: riffing is done best with a bottle or two of wine in the comfort of your own home, not surrounded by packs of horny, rabid fans. In less you're seeing the film for free, I don't see how you couldn't wait until it comes out on DVD to bash the film. It's a flimsy excuse, and I can see right through it. What else?
3. "I'm just going because my friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/cat wants to go."
If you were really standing firm on not seeing Fifty Shades, you would not agree to spend money on a movie ticket, no matter how many single gal pals try to make you go. Let's be realistic. What else?
4. "I'm just going because I heard rave reviews from the critics."
To be fair, there are some good reviews out there, with the crazy amounts of money spent on it you'd HOPE that Sam Taylor-Johnson and co. would do they best they can with the source material.
5. "I'm just going to use it in my Masters thesis about incorrect media portrayals of the BDSM community and it's effect on the average woman."
Okay, I actually haven't heard this before, but it sounds like a really excellently crafted excuse to see the film. You can use this one, free of charge, if nothing else comes to mind. You're welcome.
Images: Universal Pictures (1), Giphy (5)