Unless you've been living under a rock for the last six months, you know that the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey film adaptation is a pretty big deal. Some fans of the trilogy simply cannot wait to feast their eyes all over Jamie Dornan's Christian Grey, while others are hoping that the visuals onscreen can come close to the sexy images they've conjured up in their heads. If Fifty Shades of Grey does live up to the hype of the novels — and let's be real, with abs like Dornan's promised, how could it be? — that's all thanks to Sam Taylor-Johnson, the film's director.
Taylor-Johnson, whose previous work includes 2009's Nowhere Boy, doesn't have a directing style that is immediately recognizable to the Fifty Shades of Grey audience, which, in all honesty, is probably what producers were looking for in a director. No one is going to Fifty Shades of Grey for a unique interpretation of the work — they want the novel to unfold on the screen. Fans were already pissed that the novel's iconic "tampon" sex scene wasn't filmed for the adaptation — imagine if a director took even more liberties with the work to suit their own vision.
That's not to say that we can't try to imagine what a 50 Shades of Grey adaptation would be like from directors whose style we know all too well. So how would they interpret the novel? Let's explore, shall we?
Had 50 Shades of Grey been published during the days of Hitchcock's suspense thrillers, he might have actually picked up the book himself. Hitchcock wasn't exactly known for treating women particularly kindly, especially the actresses he employed — hell, he let a fleet of birds attack Tippi Hedren in real life. The director's fascination with the psychosexual would definitely make 50 Shades intriguing material, though he might swap a mousy brunette for a doe-eyed blonde and swap the Red Room of Pain scenes with a few lines of implied dialogue.
Burton's tastes are very singular, which means that Johnny Depp would be involved somehow — maybe even as Grey himself! If Christian Grey didn't creep you out in the novel, then Depp's version probably would — I imagine him as a BDSM-obsessed version of the Mad Hatter, which is an image I now desperately want removed from my brain.
I'm pretty sure that Christian Bale's Bruce Wayne is the superhero equivalent of Christian Grey — honestly, I'm surprised that they didn't pal around at fancy parties or go halfies on a secret dungeon. (Wayne would use it for his Batmobile; Grey would use it for sexy time. They'd promise never to cross paths.) Nolan's version of 50 Shades of Grey would be drenched in ambiguity — are we sure that those sex scenes even happened? — and would be played against the backdrop of social tension in this fictional version of Seattle. CHRISTIAN GREY IS THE 1%.
How many explosions can you fit into one erotic novel adaptation? You'd be surprised. Bay would make great use of Grey's private planes and helicopters by making them crash into one another several times during the nearly three-hour runtime.
Power. Wealth. Greed. Sex. Pretty much every Scorsese movie, ever, save maybe for Shutter Island and Hugo. Scorsese wouldn't have to reinvent the wheel with Fifty Shades of Grey — all his favorite elements are there. Of course, while he wouldn't cut out any of the sex, he would definitely drum up the crime drama of it all — the Feds are out to get Grey, and it's up to his beloved submissive to help him thwart them. Ana's sexual awakening — actually, her entire character — would be put on the back burner in favor of Grey running from the law, and Leonardo DiCaprio would just narrowly beat Mark Wahlberg for the titular role.
Great fun for the whole family! Oh, you're wondering where all those sex scenes went? WHO NEEDS SEX SCENES. Dinosaurs are the only thing that has survived the Red Room of Pain.
Images: Universal; Kadeen Griffiths/Bustle (6)