Drunk Moms Talk About Their Kids

Most parents, in case you've never met one and know nothing about them and it's your first day on earth, enjoy talking about their kids. We just do. It's really fun, although admittedly, only for us. I don't even want to talk about other people's kids (gross, gag me), just my own. It's like you're self-obsessed your entire life (yes, you are; we all are), and then you have a kid, and then suddenly you have this brand new way to talk about yourself without appearing to be talking about yourself. IT IS THE GREATEST.

That's not to say we talk about our kids all the time. Any parent who is a halfway decent, well-socialized human being puts genuine effort into not turning into a mind-numbing, kid-chatter hellbeast who subjects their friends, coworkers, and strangers in elevators to endless details of their kids' lives, but goddamn if that isn't a real struggle sometimes. Because no matter what, no matter how full and vibrant and dynamic our lives are, nor how fully-engaged our non-parent identities remain in our daily lives, nor how bored and annoying we become with our own kids sometimes, we are undeniably, completely, heart-stoppingly in love with our children, which makes talking about them one of our favorite things forever. You know that feeling when you're first dating someone you're crazy about, and you can't stop talking about them, and it drives your friends insane, and they roll their eyes when you can't help yourself and start recounting some adorable thing they said or did? Yeah, having a kid is kind of like that except it lasts for the rest of your godforsaken life.

As alcohol tends to do, all of these great intentions to not become a ceaseless verbal fountain of kid-talk completely fall apart as soon as any parent starts drinking. The compulsion to talk about your kids increases exponentially — whether that means you feel compelled to praise their beautiful, brilliant little faces and brains, or to lament what sticky, disgusting, entitled brats they are and cry about how much they hate your happiness and enjoy eating your youth for breakfast. It can really go either, way to be honest.

Either way, hey! Getting drunk and talking about your kids is a really fun thing you get to do once you have your own babyfriend, so you now have that to look forward to.

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