You guys, hasn’t this season of Vanderpump Rules been so weird? There have been so many moving parts this year, with Stassi coming back to Los Angeles after “heading to New York” at the end of last season; Katie growing a backbone and dumping Stassi; Jax drifting aimlessly through life; and Kristen continuing her full-out assault of Tom Sandoval’s personal life. Like, huh? Last week’s episode showed the ever-glamorous Scheana Marie getting married to her longtime love, Shay, and, if you ask me, that episode should have been the Vanderpump Rules Season 3 finale.
Let Scheana be married in her crop-top wedding dress (the jury of my mind is still out about that one); let Schwartz and Katie be in flux (because they always are and seemingly always will be); let Stassi not be in the picture at all (because she is probably pushing, Jill Zarin-style, for her own spin-off); and wrap the season like that. But, no: The real Vanderpump Season 3 finale airs March 2, with reunions set for March 9 and 16 and a “Secrets Revealed” clip show on March 23. Keep milking that Vanderpump teat, Bravo.
But it sort of seems like it's long past time for the finale and I blame the fact that Season 3 of Vanderpump Rules lacked some of the magic of seasons past: Sure, there was no physical fighting in this one (I’ve never seen a group of friends hit each other in the face so many times), but there was a real lack of spark. Kristen brought Tom Sandoval’s alleged Miami hook-up to SUR? Yawn. Jax got a nose job? Sigh.
Here are all the moments that have led to the awkward pacing of the season (and why it seemed to weird to have two whole episodes after Scheana's wedding):
When Schwartz Walked Out At PUMP
He couldn't handle making all the fancy cocktails, apparently. Schwartz, if you can’t serve someone an overpriced cocktail, how are you going to, you know, get a real job as a male model? Or get married? Or take care of anything that isn’t yourself? Come on, dude.
Jax's "Totally Necessary" Nose Job
Isn’t this what everyone says when they get their noses done for cosmetic reasons? Be real here, Jax, and say, “I thought I had a big schnoz and wanted to change it.” I don’t personally think that anything was wrong with Jax’s old nose, but, hey, I’m not the one who has to look at him in the mirror every day.
Kristen Visits Tom “To Get Her Cable Box”
I feel for Kristen here, because I, too, put on my clubbing finest to pick up relationship discards from my old boyfriend. This would be invigorating if it wasn’t so damn sad.
Vail's "Date" with Peter
Can we give out an early award for this being the most awkward moment of the season? Peter asks Vail out to coffee and surprise: He wants to drink wine to seduce her, and she... still just wants to drink coffee. He is putting the moves on, and she is just not having it. She's so not having it that she tells Katie all about it at work the next day. Sorry, creepy Peter.
Kristen Brings Sandoval’s Hook-up To SUR
This move is Fatal Attraction-levels of crazy, but you have to give it to Kristen for her dedication to follow through with this long con. I can’t even blame Annemarie here, because I don’t think it was her idea or her fault. At all.
Schwartz Gets Katie a Puppy Instead Of Proposing
Schwartz. You had one job. Well, two: Keep your own tongue in your mouth (or Katie’s and only Katie's) and decide whether or not to marry Katie. And you failed at both.
Katie Tells Stassi To Shove Off
Every girl who has ever had to deal with
a Queen Bee like Stassi probably stood up and cheered during this scene.
Jax & The Girl San Diego
Jax, your ex-girlfriend (I hope she’s still an ex) Carmen said it best: You’re 37. Grow up. If you’re dating someone (which he was at the time — she even set up the whole San Diego trip... for free), keep it in your pants. No exceptions.
Kristen Gets In a Screaming Match At SUR
Most unprofessional working moment I’ve ever seen? Yep, and I am a writer; people do this job drunk.
James Produces Scheana's Song
Oh man was this cringe-worthy. I get that James fancies himself the next Mark Ronson, but someone has to tell him that fetch isn’t going to happen. He should know what fetch is, right? Because it’s like, slang. From England.
Scheana Gets Married In A Crop Top
I’m not sure I love it, but I definitely don’t hate it. Is it my style? Not really. I don’t think it’s classic enough for a wedding (from which brides tend to look at the photos forever and ever), but to each her own. I'm thinking it was more party than wedding, but that's just me!
Scheana Makes Everyone Clean Up After Her Wedding
Kinda tacky, Scheana! Maybe shave some of your
fake eyelashes budget off of the top so Tom Sandoval doesn’t have to roll up his clam
diggers and fish rose petals out of your fountains.
Image: Jeff Daly/Bravo; giphy (12)