Does the Order of 'Bach' Fantasy Suites Matter?

I don't think Bachelor Chris is a bad guy. Do I think he did Kaitlyn wrong after Fantasy Suites? Oh, for sure. Telling her he was falling in love with her, maybe sleeping with her in the Fantasy Suite, and then breaking up with her in front of two other women was pretty awful; but Chris' behavior during Fantasy Suites, if anything, showed that he and these women are in a particularly confusing situation. When Kaitlyn was finally able to speak after not receiving a rose and posed that heartbreaking question — "What happened?" — I realized that it had been a really long time since she and Chris had seen each other. Or rather, to Kaitlyn, it probably seemed like it had only been three days since Chris had told her he was falling in love with her, but in those three other days, Chris had told two other women that, been on two other incredible dates in Bali, and probably taken two other sexy baths. It certainly seems that order really matters when it comes to Fantasy Suites.

Just as going first on American Idol makes you the easiest to forget by the time voting rolls around, going first in Fantasy Suites puts you the furthest away from finally nabbing that sweet, sweet rose while you stand next to your two sister-girlfriends and competitors at the Rose Ceremony. You hadn't even considered that their dates could have gone as well as yours. You thought going first meant that he was dying to see you... why is Becca coming back?! What happened?

Well, girl. This is what happened...

First Rhymes With Worst

You just don't want to go to the Fantasy Suites first. The producers plan these things, and the producers do not put the winner in the first Fantasy Suite spot — and trust me, the producers know who the winner will be. The first Fantasy Suite date doesn't necessarily go home at the next Rose Ceremony, but they never win. Seriously... I can't recall a single man or woman that has had the first Fantasy Suite spot and ultimately taken the Final Rose. So the order matters — by why? There are a few things that must go into dooming that first Fantasy Suite contestant: First, the Bachelor(ette) hasn't had sex in a pretty long time at that point. So, if that's what they're looking to get down to doing, that's what they're going to want to do a lot of in that first chance. By the time the second and third Fantasy Suites come around, there's probably a little more capacity for talking about things like if you want kids, and will you be voting me off the island in two days... OK, I'm kidding, but going first is absolutely the worst.

That first person is furthest from the Bachelor(ette)'s memory by the time the decision-making moment comes around, and they're able to compare that first person to the other two while they have beautiful dates on catamarans and, y'know, potentially have more sex with their other girlfriends/boyfriends. A resounding rule of reality thumb is to never go first.

It Certainly Matters Who Goes Last

But last isn't necessarily the money spot, either. Whereas first is usually a throwaway for the producers, last carries the episode's narrative. The last spot is generally the only one where we hear from both the contestant and the Bachelor(ette) afterward about how it went. Andi and her blowup with Juan Pablo had the last spot; Brooks spent his third spot time breaking Des' heart on the saddest dock in Bachelor history; and Becca, whose fate is yet to come, and her confusing virgin siren ways were reserved for third just last week in Chris' season. Working in her favor is that winners do occasionally come out of the last Fantasy Suite spot. They're usually the ones who the Bachelore(ette) is really confused by. Sometimes that works out great like the quirky matching of Sean and Catherine, a third spot gal, herself. And sometimes that works out in the way of Ben and Courtney, whose third spot Fantasy Suite date you can read all about in her Bachelor tell-all book, I Didn't Come Here to Make Friends.

Winning Monkey In the Middle

The sure-things, though... the sure things get the middle Fantasy Suite date. Occasionally a Catherine of Courtney will come along and oust them, but for the most part, the middle spot goes to Andi's Josh or Juan Pablo's Nikki... the ones who really had it in the bag all along. And as those relationships have gone on to show, they probably would have been better off in the first spot, being broken up with and put out of their misery right then and there.

Good luck, Whitney, and I really hope Chris Harrison isn't interviewing you about your breakup with Chris for two hours at the beginning of Kaitlyn's Bachelorette season premiere this summer.

Images: David Moir/ABC; giphy (2); willyouacceptthisrose/Tumblr