Diablo Cody's 'Barbie' Film Should Feature These 7 Subplots, Because It's Time Barbie Met The Real World

PALM SPRINGS, CA - JANUARY 05: Writer Diablo Cody presents the Sonny Bono Visionary award onstage at the 2010 Palm Springs International Film Festival gala held at the Palm Springs Convention Center on January 5, 2010 in Palm Springs, California. (Photo by John Shearer/Getty Images for PSIFF)
Source: John Shearer/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

I believe that it was Courtney Love who said, "Barbie is not your friend," and for good reason. But if anyone who could make Barbie your friend, it would be Diablo Cody. Apparently. You see, Diablo is re-writing the script for the upcoming live-action Barbie flick, according to Deadline. That's right, the Juno and Jennifer's Body screenwriter is going to bring this magenta-wearing doll into the 21st century, and I'm already imagining the plot lines.

Personally, I've had faith in Cody ever since Juno, one of the first films that made me weep nonsensically... in a good way. As a writer, she has an exceptional skill in creating rapid fire dialogue and tapping into borderline satirical aspects of youth culture. She's skews gender politics, and celebrates complicated characters. She is exactly the modern voice Barbie needs, and, according to producer Walter Parkes, she "truly loves Barbie." Same!

See, considering the way Barbie is marketed to us — with her teensy waist and wisdom like, "Math class is tough" — it's easy to not see her as a friend. But in my opinion, Barbie is who we make her. That's why my collection features a Goth Barbie, a Punk Barbie, a Mary Grace Barbie, and a Satan Possessed Stacey. So I have faith that Cody will create a Barbie that's well worth the investment.

But, just in case she's low on ideas, here's how I think a Cody-penned Barbie movie would/should go.

Barbie is a 24-year-old woman at an unpaid internship instead of a teen model/doctor/teacher astronaut, and she's desperately trying to find herself

[Embed]

She definitely appreciates the opportunity, but it feels as if she'll NEVER find a real career, having been stuck getting coffee after coffee for the director at small production company. (She hears they're a subsidiary of Fox, but who knows? The listing was sketchy.) Besides, Barbie doesn't even KNOW if she wants to go into filmmaking anymore. It just seems like there are so many different paths that she could take, and, besides, breaking into media is hard.

She DOES have one other job besides this gig, though — working nights at a bowling alley. But a HIGH END bowling alley.

If she doesn't make rent soon, she's going to get evicted out of the Barbie Dream Studio Apartment in Bushwick

[Embed]

The walls are Pepto Bismo pink, and there's a mold problem, but it's home.

Barbie's Boyfriend Ken is facing some definite confidence issues recently, and he is also played by Michael Cera

[Embed]

He's a waiter at a novelty restaurant that makes him wear neon '80s and '90s ski outfits and makes him introduce himself with quirky titles. "Good afternoon, my name is Totally Hair Ken and I'll be taking care of you," he chirps at the beginning of the film, as if life has defeated him. He wants to quit, but he and Barbie are barely making money as it is. Although slight of figure, Ken is refreshingly not without genitals in this film. There is no shortage of pork swords.

Barbie's best friend Midge gets pregnant

[Embed]

She's debating whether to keep it or not throughout the film, but what's important is that now Barbie has to hustle to help Midge out.

Barbie then decides to form Barbie and the Rockers in an effort to get famous and earn money

[Embed]

She joins with her friends Deedee, Diva, and Dana to get whatever ridiculous instruments they can find and form a riot grrrl band. They steal outfits from Ken's store, essentially looking more like Bayside High students in space than grunge rockers, which Ken, as the token straight guy of the band, doesn't understand. "It's IRONIC, Ken, oh my blog," Barbie spouts, tuning her keytar.

Their roadie is named Derek, and he's awesome.

Tensions run high when Barbie and the Rockers actually get a deal for an LP, produced by legendary Australian musician/surfer Blaine

[Embed]

He's definitely worked with The Pixies, and he definitely has an eye on Barbie. What will happen next?

Although she doesn't reach rock stardom, Barbie ends up in a much better place, having raised enough money to help Midge and make rent, AND she earns a promotion at the bowling alley

[Embed]

She also starts a new music project. They're bit-pop jungle rap witch house, but she has a really good feeling about it. Oh, Barbie.

Images: Giphy (7)

Must Reads