If you have a Tumblr and a penchant for unflatteringly dark lipstick, you're probably a little bit in love with The Craft and its craziest moments. As I type this, MAC's Sin lipstick is caking grossly on my mouth, so you can rest assured I'm part of that coven. But, despite my affections, I have to admit that this cult gem is a mid-'90s mess of snakes, homicide, and, worst of all, teen angst. So for that reason, it ends up becoming this week's bad movie rewatch.
New girl Sarah (Robin Tunney) falls in with a makeshift witch's coven, comprised of charismatic goth Nancy (the amazing Fairuza Balk), insecure burn victim Bonnie (Neve Campbell, and revenge-hungry Rochelle (Rachel True). With their combined powers, they tamper with universal forces to make their lives exponentially better. Sadly, though, everything comes with a price. (Even sadder, and spoiler alert, Nancy ends up being a psychopath.)
Again, I don't necessarily consider The Craft a bad movie. You know when I consider something a bad movie. Witches, without a doubt, are definitely on my list of favorite things. But for all The Craft's wackiness, and there is plenty of wackiness, attention must be paid.
So enjoy these chronologically documented crazy things from this truly magical piece of the work, The Craft:
1. This coven meeting, potentially sponsored by Pier One Imports.
Your one stop shop for festive candles that make summoning demonic forces really aesthetically pleasing.
2. Sarah and her dad get to their new home and it's leaking from every orifice.
That'll be the last time they use Craigslist.
3. Tunney, the perpetual '90s angst teen, looks the same here as she does today on The Mentalist.
Kind of a win-lose, because even with her plastic hair clips and knee socks, she looks about 30 here — but today it's definitely a plus.
4. This. Monumentally. '90s. Soundtrack.
Everything that plays is like, a forgotten grunge band with an embarrassing name, Letters to Cleo, or someone doing an alt cover of a dreamy '80s song to rebrand it as the ultimate '90s jam to be used in everything from the Charmed opening credits to the trailer for Cruel Intentions.
I'm not joking.
5. "God, I thought it was Satan. Oh my god, Jesus Christ. She lookin'? Oh, God."
Actual picture of every guy I went to middle school with.
6. The noose in Nancy's locker.
I hated school that much, too.
7. "I'm busy. Football practice. You can come and watch."
"... yeah, no."
8. Everyone's hair.
Rochelle is wearing plastic baby clips. Nancy, the punk rock badass, is donning blue bobble ties to hold her pigtails. Sarah's doesn't know what a brush is, and I'm pretty sure Bonnie doesn't shower for the first half of this film.
9. "He spreads disease. I speak from personal experience."
Filed under: "Introductory Lines That Are Really More Appropriate For Your Gynecologist's Office."
10. "Everything in nature steals."
"Oh my god, it's the entire basis of 'Swiper, no swiping.'"
11. "You like my head?" "Yeah, it's a good head. It's good. It looks good for kissing."
Ew, God, ew, no, stop.
A lot of terrible things happen to this guy, and he deserves them all for that line alone.
12. This iconic shot where everyone's wearing trendy colored sunglasses and those $12 boho dresses you pick up from a smoke shop on the Seaside Heights boardwalk.
☾ ✞☯Follow For More Soft Grunge☯ ✞☾
13. Then they drink each others blood.
Kids these days.
14. And after generalized witchcraft and spell casting, they play same game every giggly 6th grader plays at a sleepover.
In goddamn overalls, no less.
15. "Her spell's not working. I don't know. I think she doesn't want to be white trash any more. And I told her, 'You're white, honey. Just deal with it.'"
16. But no, Nancy's spell is actually about getting the ability to Darth Vader her stepfather.
So that happens.
17. The straight-up Pterodactyl noise Nancy's mom makes when they learn they're inheriting $175,000.
I feel you.
18. Sarah's crazy witch power is... being able to give herself ombre hair?
Oh no, she can go full bleach blonde without killing each and every follicle, that's cool.
19. Nancy Christ.
Coming up next, on Criss Angel: Mindfreak ...
20. This unfortunate Sharknado.
A tragedy, really. Also, kind of foreshadowing?
21. Nancy does some amazing ballet when she's enraged.
Truly stunning work, I was truly moved by her performance.
22. THIS WORLD OF NOPE.
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.
23. When at the climax of their battle Sarah and Nancy forgo advanced witchcraft and conjuring the elements and just have a classic catfight.
Cartoonish slapping included.
24. The awkward moment when you have to apologize for almost killing your friend.
"So we cool?"
Images: Netflix/Columbia Pictures (41), Giphy (4)