Guys, my experience with hippos is limited to the very few seconds of watching the sassy cartoon hippo in Madagascar trailers in theaters, but I see now that, even in those few minutes, I was grossly misled: Hippos are not sassy. Hippos are not cute. In fact, after the things I have seen that I cannot un-see today, I'm willing to bet that hippos are actually the last living dinosaur and they would eat every last one of us if they could.
Before everyone gets up in arms at me about how adorable hippos are and how your stuffed animal Hippy the Hippo would never hurt you, I need you to take a seat and hear some stuff: Not only are hippos incredibly unpredictable and violent, they are responsible for more human deaths in Africa than any other animal. Their teeth are twenty inches long and they can casually run at twenty miles per hour. If a mother hippo thinks you're too close to her hippo spawn, you're basically fifty shades of dead before you even get a chance to scream.
Odds are that you are not reading this article from a wild safari where you're bound to run into a pack of hungry, hungry hippos, but just in case you are ever possessed by this urge, I'm going take this opportunity to quote Taylor Swift: "Don't say I didn't, say I didn't warn ya." Hippos are straight up the worst. If you don't believe me, please indulge in my waking nightmare by watching these videos that are all the evidence you need:
1. This hippo is CHASING A BOAT
JUST IN CASE IT ISN'T ALREADY BURNED INTO YOUR BRAIN FOREVER:
2. This dude who got chased by a hippo in a canoe
But like, he was also actively nosing around in a hippo's business while fully aware of its abilities. I feel like if there is ever an appropriate time to use the words "asking for it," it is right here and now.
3. This hippo who tried to rush a tourist bus
Subtext: "Ahahahaha! Ha..haha..ahh...but wait, seriously, are we gonna die?"
4. These other tourists who got chased in a boat
I guess laughter is the universal reaction to potentially being a hippo snack.
5. This hippo who ripped a lion's jaw off
SERIOUSLY do not watch this if you are squeamish in any way, shape or form. You will cry for Simba forever.
6. These wildlife divers who barely got out alive
WHEN ARE WE GOING TO LEARN, GUYS. GO SWIM SOME PLACE ELSE.
7. This hippo who took a bite out of someone's Jeep
SMH, humanity. SMH.
8. Oh, and THIS ONE doing the SAME THING.
You can practically hear this hippo being all, "And STAY out."
9. This kid who got attacked by his uncle's pet hippo
Only sharing this because he is all grown up and decidedly alive, although barely, YEESH. Keeping a hippo as a pet.
10. This guy who got swallowed by a hippo and lived to tell the tale
Apparently the inside of a hippo smells like rotten eggs. The more you know.
11. This hippo going APE on a rhino that got too close
12. THIS INCREDIBLY HORRIFYING SAGA OF AN ALPHA MALE FIGHTING ANOTHER HIPPO FOR DOMINANCE
HE RIPS. OFF. HIS MOTHERF$@%(ING. TAIL. And then POOPS EVERYWHERE.
13. And lastly, this video of a baby pygmy hippo
Consider this my small apology for scarring you for life.