Here Is My Justin Bieber Roast Travelogue

My swaggy levels were at an all-time high on the second Saturday of March. The reason: I was at the taping of the Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber. As the Biebs walked the White Carpet, his blonde locks glistening in the late afternoon sun, I couldn’t help but wonder what Mally the monkey was doing at that very moment. Being the crazed animal lover that I am, the confiscated capuchin is the first thing that pops into my brain whenever the "Beauty and the Beat" singer comes up in conversation. The Bieber Roast was no exception.

A few days before The Roast, I jokingly predicted Mally, who now lives at the Hodenhagen Serengeti Wildlife Park in Germany, would make his return to the U.S. just in time for the Comedy Central event. "Who better to take J-Biebs to task than the fuzzy friend he left behind?" I asked my boyfriend. "If only that monkey could speak human."

What I expected: the Roasters would zing a few zingers about J-Biebs not having the proper documents for his former pet.

What I didn't expect: that my jokey prediction about Mally dropping by would come true. BUT IT CAME TRUE. Well, it sort of came true.

The Mally Tally/Bieber Roast Travelogue

The White Carpet had been open for a whopping 80 minutes before I heard any references to Mally. Took long enough. I was beginning to think I was the only person with Mally on my mind. When another reporter asked Kevin Hart to share his favorite Bieber offense, the Roastmaster had his reply locked and loaded: he still couldn't believe Biebs not only adopted a monkey, but abandoned the small primate in another country.

As Natasha Leggero made her way down the White Carpet, I noticed the comic was cradling a small animal. Could it be Mally? Is this the moment I’ve been waiting for? Is everything coming up Milhouse? Alas, I realized that the critter was not a monkey, but a docile Chihuahua in a wig. Which, hey. No complaints. Always love a dog in a hairpiece. When Leggero was asked to name her favorite Bieber story, she, like Hart, brought up the Mally debacle.

Clearly, I was not the only person with Mally on my mind.

Bieber descended upon the White Carpet. The fans seated at the end of the walkway shrieked. There was a crowd of personnel surrounding him, so it was difficult to catch a full glimpse of him until he was directly in front of where I was stationed. Once he was standing before me and I could see the Biebs in all of his blue suit glory, I was able to confirm that Mally did not join him on the White Carpet.

After the White Carpet, it was time to migrate to the press room. It was time to watch the roasters roast Biebs and each other. In the middle of the intro video, a tabloid cover featuring Mally's adorable face popped up on the screen. This was only the beginning of the Mally mayhem: Hart, Will Ferrell-as Ron Burgundy, and Snoop Dogg each told at least one joke about the capuchin. Before Ferrell, er, Ron Burgundy finished his set, he said, “If you’re watching from your monkey cage in Germany, go to bed, Mally. Goodnight.”

At the end of Bieber’s apologetic closing monologue, he announced that the “love of [his] life” was at the Roast. He'd wronged said love, and he wanted to be given a second chance. The audience braced itself. Is Selena Gomez here after all?

A human being walked out onto the stage. Wait, who is that? I wondered. I do not think that is Selena Gomez. I'm pretty sure that is not Selena Gomez in a man-wearing-lederhosen costume. That is a man wearing lederhosen. Am I supposed to recognize that man? I don't know what's happening. What on Earth is hap—

And that's when I saw it: a small primate perched on the man's shoulder. Mally was in the building. He would not watch the Roast from his cage in Germany on March 30 after all. The man in the lederhosen set the monkey on Bieber's shoulders. Biebs + Mallz = 4eva.

As we made the trek back to our cars after the Roast, another writer and I chatted about the Mally cameo. Of course that wasn't the real Mally. I knew in my heart of hearts that that was not the monkey Biebs left in Germany, but I wasn't ready for the illusion to be shattered. I wanted to believe their reconciliation actually happened before our very eyes. I wanted to believe there was a righting of wrongs. I wanted to believe Bieber apologized to the real Mally, not a fake Mally.

Scratch that— I wanted to Belieb.

Image: Getty Images