'American Horror Story: Coven': Don't worry, everyone who died last week is alive again
Those of you concerned that AHS: Coven somehow blew its storytelling mojo on last week's nutso premiere don't know Ryan Murphy & Co., who have never met a plotline they couldn't time-lapse accelerate or an idea so far-fetched even they wouldn't consider it. Guess what? These guys will consider LITERALLY ANYTHING. This week, "anything" meant Frankenstein monsters and minotaur men (the latter of whom was only hinted at last week). If we don't get Nazi mermaids next week, this season should be considered an abject failure.
Anyway, prodigious levels of crazy this week and only one thing to do: compare just how crazy each subplot was.
Lily Rabe resurrects herself; alligators
We all knew the burned-at-the-stake witch no one could shut up about last week would be back from the dead before too long, and sure enough she was terrorizing redneck gator trappers mere minutes into the episode. Points for sheer narrative efficiency, and the careful selection of Stevie Nicks songs (who, of course, is one of our most famous real life witches).
Queenie's Kentucky Fried Voodoo
Really just a warmup for wackier shit to come, but as an early-on moment, Queenie plunging her fist into a deep fryer to ruin the afternoon/life of an irate KFC customer was pretty great. You just know that however Queenie goes out, it won't be before some spectacularly gruesome end for whoever she's connected to.
Delphine LaLaurie adjusts to 21st century life
This should really kick into high gear when Angela Bassett, Jessica Lange, and Kathy Bates are all finally sharing the same room, but for now, Bates' character can't help but feel like the least weird part of the show. Is it that there's nowhere but down to go after we've already watched you bathing in the blood of your servants?
Angela Bassett's lover has achieved full-minotaur status
Or so we're lead to believe by one of the episode's final shots, which suggests that the man-beast we saw born last week has only... transformed in the 200 years since LaLaurie went to semi-permanent sleep. Now, the creature may actually be a minotaur. Which I'm sure has some weird secret history with the witches.
Cordelia and her husband drive to bang-town, with giant snakes
Cordelia was supposed to be the rational, together one, right? Attempts to get pregnant with her... boyfriend? Buddy? have so far been unsuccessful, which Cordelia wrongly assumes is because none of them were ritualized with spell circles and snake sex. But, you know, when in Rome. As Cordelia and her man ravage each other, from a pretty large egg emerges a pretty large snake, which wraps around both of them. For starters: unfortunate size comparison for the guy. For seconds: ISN'T THAT DANGEROUS?!
Zoe and Madison manage to resurrect Zoe's frat boy dream guy from the dead
And HOW! As the weirdest favor to a person that I can think of, Madison drags Zoe to the morgue where the frat guy (Kyle?) is in multiple grotesque pieces. Instead of being deterred by this, Madison takes it as a challenge — they're going to reanimate different parts of multiple guys, stitched together in one super-human form. Since nothing could possibly go wrong, they just go for it. And what do you know — they bring back a mute, confused, incorrectly built young man who should probably just be dead. We'll see next week just how difficult life is for someone not actually living, and anyway brought back to it, but for now the whole thing is still just off-putting.
AND THE WINNER IS: Us, clearly. (But also the Frankenstein's monster resurrection, which would top the charts on any week of this show, with or without Nazi mermaids.)