What's the Dirt On 'Vanity Fair's Gwyneth Paltrow Story?

Gwynnie haters, get excited. Vanity Fair is set to run a Gwyneth Paltrow takedown piece, and for those of us who cry a little every time the actress spouts a parenting tip, or when she went to the punk-themed MET gala as literally the opposite of a punk, revenge is coming in well-written, internationally available form. But, first, you need some backstory: After becoming wary that Vanity Fair would publish a negative piece about her, Paltrow sent an email to famous pals, saying she recommended, "You all never do this magazine again.” Now, given that such a recommendation is probably as close to a Paltrow temper tantrum that we'll ever see, Vanity Fair considered this the first act of war. So Graydon Carter, the editor-in-chief of the long-running magazine, was essentially like, "Bitch please, this piece is running with or without your bitchy consent, so stick that in your kale salad and eat it." And now it's on.

Which means we can only imagine the type of juicy, Gwyneth-is-a-momster type hearsay we're going to be privy to when the piece comes out. Carter is right — there ain't no "cone of celebrity" in the world big enough to protect Paltrow from the ire of fans and Vanity Fair, and there are so many things we can imagine being revealed about her — things that would make her twitch with fury. So what's the dirt? Here's some "facts" I'm imagining we'll learn in Vanity Fair's Paltrow piece:

1) She forces her children to do 150 sit-ups before breakfast. FITNESS IS REALLY IMPORTANT CHILDREN, and squats after the sit-ups, okay?

2) The word "bacon" is completely banned from the Paltrow-Martin house. Mentioning any cured meat item is risky, but bacon will get you a solid time-out and no television for a week. (You too, Chris Martin — you're not exempt.)

3) Chris Martin has to wear an apron at all times, and he is to address Gwyneth Paltrow as "Madame." Conventional gender roles my ass — it's Gwen's world and the rest of you are just living in it.

4) There is role call at night. Like in prison. This includes room inspections, and, for Martin, a squat-and-cough type deal. Good luck sneaking in that Snickers bar, bro.

5) No one is to look Gwyneth Paltrow directly in the eye. Don't challenge her authority or she might charge.

Really, this issue can't arrive in our mailboxes soon enough.