1. Ginger Beards: The Boyfriend
2. Flower Beards: The Friend
Um....I don't even know what to say. But I'll start with this: "Why?!" WTF is this?! Flowers fully bleed all the masculinity from a beard. Flower beards are for hipsters and other such dudes who try too hard. It DEFEATS THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF A BEARD! Unlike a cute whimsical flower crown, flower beards are reminiscent of a bird’s nest. If said bird was interested in interior decorating. What if you're kissing him and a bee tries to pollinate him? I don't know about you, but I don't want to look at a guy and think, "Hmmm his face looks an awful lot like my garden." Alright I’m getting a little heated here I’m going to try and calm down. Do not hook up with this guy unless you are OK with a dry hooha.
3. Patchy Beard: The One Date Guy
Patchy is likely to be so insecure about his lack of beard growth he will try really hard to man up in other ways. Like he'll have a psycho obsession with sports, beer, and his bros, (trust me on this one, I've been there). And do you really want that? A man secure in his masculinity is a lot sexier than one who is trying to be. If you can't grow a beard just don't bother. Or stick to stubble. A patchy patch beard is like a half-waxed vagina (yes I know the correct term is mons pubis but that doesn't sound as fun). Go for the gold or don't bother.
4. The Newly-Grown Beard: The Fling
5. The Goatee: The Guy You Date Because You're Bored
Let's get one thing straight. Goatees are not really beards. Goatees are for guys who are too scared to grow a real man's beard so they settle for cheap version. It's like buying that Balenciaga knockoff from Chinatown instead of going to Barney's and paying full price. It's not REAL!! And we can all tell from that faux leather smell. You know who has a goatee? The infamous modelizer Leonardo DiCaprio. A 40-something man who has never dated anyone past the age of 22 or wasn't a model. This guy might be fun for a nice dinner and maybe a roll in the hay (if that), but he's not worth investing any time in.
5. Stubble: The Guy You Date for a Good Time
Stubble is sexy. And it makes sense when you're transitioning from clean-shaven to a beard. But perma-stubble is another thing altogether. It signals that the man in question is trying to cultivate a rebellious, devil may care attitude, but underneath it all he's trying. He's trying REALLY hard. The appearance of stubble suggests that he hasn't shaved because he's not working for the man. He's been up all night drinking and banging hot chicks. He's doesn't have to get up til noon when you hop on your Harley to meet your agent. He's a regular James Dean. Said guy will likely shave soon or just grow a beard. However a guy with perma-stubble is living a double-life. He is actively working at maintaining that stubby stub, while trying to pretend he could care less about his appearance.
6. Full (Groomed) Beards: The Husband
A full beard is the epitome of masculinity. A beard says says I have a butt load of testosterone, I can chop lots of wood, drink whiskey, and make sweet, sweet, love to you all night. Like a champ. Think George Clooney. Or Jon Hamm. Yum-a-doodle-doo. The full bearded gentleman will treat you like a lady. He'll always open the door, walk curbside, pay for dinner, and pull out your chair. He's worldly and accomplished. Like Vasco de Gama. Or an Eames chair.