'Desperately Seeking Susan' Turns 30, But What If The Hit 80s Flick Took Place in 2015?
If there's anything Hollywood loves lately, it's a remake. Every day there seems to be news of either a reboot, remake, or revival of a beloved TV show, movie, or franchise. So as the hit 1985 Madonna movie Desperately Seeking Susan celebrates its 30th anniversary, I wondered what the film would be like if it were remade and updated to take place in 2015. After all, the 80s are totally in style again. In my vision of the new and modern edition, Miley Cyrus would play Madonna's role of Susan and Rachel McAdams would play Roberta, who was played by Rosanna Arquette in 1985.
Why not? Cyrus would keep the tradition of the elusive Susan being played by a pop star, because she is totally the modern version of the character — Cyrus plays by her own rules, wears whatever she wants, and whatever she wants. As for McAdams, she has the same understated vulnerability that Arquette displays as the bored housewife Roberta, who has a weird obsession with Susan. Of course, the technology that brought these two ladies together — personal ads — will have to be updated a lot, but the fashion, not so much. Susan and Roberta could be two 80s obsessed gals, but of course their clothes would have a modern twist to them.
What else would happen in my 2015 Desperately Seeking Susan? Keep reading and come with me on a journey of full of imagination — and photoshop.
How To Seek Susan
Back in 1985, there weren't many ways that you could publicly solicit someone with the whole world knowing. Now, there isn't many was not to. So instead of seeking Susan through the personal ads of a newspaper, Susan is sought by Jim through a combination of Twitter, Instagram, Craigslist "Missed Connections," and whatever Meekrat is.
It certainly keeps Roberta guessing and constantly checking her phone and computer to see where Susan might show up next. This annoys her lame husband Gary, the hot tub salesman played by Josh Duhamel. But one day, Roberta decides to pursue one of these tweets and finally see who Susan really is.
Roberta follows Susan to a hip boutique and spies on her. They bump into each other and Roberta's purse spills out. Somehow this causes Susan and Roberta to switch phones (just go with it) and soon they're on the quest to get each other's phones back, deciding to meet in Battery Park. Of course, that doesn't go as planned when Susan gets arrested for skipping out on her Uber fare, swearing she had a free discount code somewhere on Roberta's phone.
As for Roberta, she gets mowed down at Battery Park by some dude on a Segway and hits her head. Naturally, she checks her phone when she comes to and thinks she's a woman named Susan. And the handsome man she sees when she opens her eyes? Dez, played by Ryan Reynolds.
Love Is In The Air
In 2015, Dez works as a projectionist at one of the few old school movie theaters that run on film. Yes, he's a total NYU film school hipster and proud of it. Roberta totally falls for him as they watch some classic movies on Netflix and order Chinese food using GrubHub in his Williamsburg loft.
As for Susan, she starts flirting with Gary using Roberta's phone, which eventually leads to sexting. With some convincing, she finally gets Gary to loosen up and send a dick pic. Naughty. Then she cons him into using one of his hot tubs. Because she would.
You can use our imagination for the rest of it, including the Egyptian jewels subplot.
Images: Orion Pictures/Mallory Carra/Bustle