When I was five, way before my parents ever tried to explain the birds and the bees to me, I thought that sex was when a mommy and a daddy laid down in bed together, and that when they got up, one of them was pregnant. I also thought my dolls had parties when I left the room, and that there was a decent chance that I was actually Princess Leia. So, needless to say, I was wrong about a lot back then (the jury's still out about the Leia thing, though).
But when I became a tween, even though I had access to sex ed classes taught by my elderly male gym teacher, I didn't know much about sex; the drawings of male and female genitals in our textbook made me believe that heterosexual intercourse was a feat similar to winning a game of Jenga. Which made me even more confused about the idea of how some women got pregnant by accident — how the hell did you end up on that thing by accident? Nothing about sex made any sense to me. And so, I believed every incorrect sex myth I stumbled across in the locker room, on the school bus, or at the Claire's Boutique .
Today, at the ripe old age of 32, with many high-quality fornicating years under my belt, I finally know that boners don't have bones in them, as well as other useful information that makes me a sexual dynamo (or, you know, at least someone who is able to have sex without injuring myself or others in the process). But that doesn't mean that I've forgotten all crazy lore that comprised my knowledge of sex back before I actually knew what sex was.
In tribute to how much we've all learned since those "wait, what goes in where?" days, here are 12 crazy sex myths we used to believe.
1. "Sex Literally Lasts The Whole Entire Night."
Source: Countless pop songs that alluded to doing it "all night long."
What You Know Now: All night? Pfffft. Dude, I have to pick up my dry cleaning in the morning.
2. "You Can Get Pregnant From Swimming In A Pool With Sperm In It."
Source: Girls one year ahead of you at sleep away camp.
What You Know Now: Not only can't you get pregnant from a spermy swimming pool, but the popularity of masturbating into pools is highly over-reported (or so you keep telling yourself).
3. "Sex = Putting The Penis In The Vagina, And Then Lying Completely Still."
Source: Well, it kinda makes some sense, right?
What You Know Now: You may have had one or two sexual encounters that basically played out like that (probably during freshman orientation week), but you know that that's the exception, not the rule.
4. "You Can Only Have Sex At Night."
Source: Movie sex scenes (which always happen at night).
What You Know Now: Sex can happen whenever you're lucky/horny/bored enough to get down to it.
5. "The Guy Pees In The Woman During Sex."
Source: How is a 5th grader supposed to know that anything else can come out of that thing, man?
What You Know Now: Uh, yeah, probably not (unless that's what you're into).
6. "You Lose Your Virginity By Using A Tampon."
Source: Uptight older relatives and/or young adult novels from the '70s.
What You Know Now: Tampons are many things, but they are not your first lover.
7. "Your First Time Will Feel Amazing."
Source: A bunch of movies.
What You Know Now: Eh, probably not.
8. "Your First Time Will Feel Excruciating."
Source: A bunch of movies.
What You Know Now: Eh, probably not (I hope!).
9. "You Can't Get Pregnant The First Time You Have Sex."
Source: The same friend who told you that her cousin's sister's college roommate got killed by a guy with a hook for a hand while she was making out with her boyfriend.
What You Know Now: That being a virgin doesn't prevent anything from happening during sex (except probably you having an orgasm).
10. "Sex Only = Penis In Vagina."
Source: All the heteronormative kids at your middle school (maybe some of them knew what a blowjob is. Maybe.)
What You Know Now: Ugh, no, thank god.
11. "Everyone Has Orgasms Every Time They Have Sex!"
Source: Movies and porn (what is with these things, right?)
What You Now Know: ...sigh.
12. "Your Parents Only Ever Had Sex With Each Other."
Source: Your parents.
What You Now Know: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Uh I mean, sure, maybe? Hopefully not?