Sex With 15 'Game of Thrones' Characters: What It Would Be Like With The Seven Kingdoms' Leading Men — NSFW
Without its sexposition, Game of Thrones would simply be a glorified battle of wits and intestinal tissue. Sure, it's fun to see the overly bloody battles and conniving characters one up each other week after week, but there's no denying we tune in in equal numbers for the show's sex scenes. Nudity and explicit innuendos appear in spades, and we wouldn't have it any other way. From Prince Oberyn's "I'll have one of everything!" mentality to Jon Snow's lost virginity, we can't wait to see which character will be seeing suns and stars next.
And while the likelihood of us fornicating with any of these fictional characters is slim to none (OK, it's impossible), a girl can dream, right? We can dream of lying with Jon Snow in a steamy cave somewhere, dream of Robb Stark's passionate embrace, dream of Tyrion Lannister's tender kisses, or beholding Daario Naharis' perfect buttocks. Yes, I just wrote buttocks. Here's what it might be like to sleep with the seven kingdom's most prominent men. Game of Thrones Season 5 premieres April 12 on HBO. Obvious spoilers and drool-enducing NSFW gifs ahead.
Favorite Position: Doggy style
Takeaway: Unless you're his sister, Cersei Lannister, you're probably not getting any D from Jaime... or any hand-related pleasures either. (Too soon?)
Favorite Position: Doggy Style/Girl On Top
Takeaway: Khal Drogo can be a sensitive, sweet lover, but only after you've shown him exactly how you like it. Taking charge with Khal in the bedroom can only lead to a fulfilling encounter (and perhaps the birth of several dragons).
Type: Pretty Boys
Favorite Position: Oral (Receiving)
Fetish: Shaving Sheers
Takeaway: If you're looking to climb the political ladder, Renly is the one to bother. Whether he'd be a good lay is debatable. Regardless, you'll probably be expected to do all the work.
Type: His little sister's handmaidens
Favorite Position: Girl On Top
Takeaway: Having sex or not having sex with Viserys would both be scenarios that may ultimately lead to brutal emotional scarring. It's best to avoid this blonde altogether. Besides, why bother with him when his much hotter, and more emotionally stable sister is on the market?
Type: Do Good-ers
Favorite Position: Spooning
Takeaway: Sleeping with Robb Stark would be perfect — almost too perfect. Yes, you'd remember the encounter for the rest of your life, but any sexual scenarios post-Robb would pale in comparison. He loves his mom, his siblings, he has an adorable direwolf named Grey Wind, etc. etc. The swoons will never cease when it comes to romance with this Stark.
Favorite Position: Girl on Top
Fetish: Hot springs
Takeaway: Jon Snow has taken a vow of celibacy as a member of the Night's Watch. This means no marriage, and certainly no hankypanky for this bastard. But even Jon, pure as Snow, isn't immune to the siren song of a gorgeous redhead wildling. So sharpen your spears and buy a winter coat if you want to bed Ned Stark's bastard — he has a specific type.
Type: Anyone Who'll Look His Direction
Favorite Position: Anything
Fetish: Not particular, will bone anyone with a vagina, including his sister.
Takeaway: Stay away from Theon and his (likely) multitude of STDs.
Prince Oberyn Martell
Type: Men and Women, as long as they're gorgeous
Favorite Position: He could never pick just one
Takeaway: We could all take a page from Oberyn's book. His philosophy, when it comes to his fluid sexuality, is simple: Why choose men OR women when you can have both? Otherwise, you're "missing out on half the world's pleasure."
Favorite Position: Who the hell knows
Takeaway: I'm not entirely convinced Joffrey was a sexual being. Sure, he got all hot and bothered when Margaery played with his crossbow, but when Tyrion offered him two beautiful prostitutes for his nameday, he had them beat one another with sharp objects. Classic Joffrey, amiright?
Favorite Position: Don't want to think about it
Fetish: Getting off on other people's Pain/Sausages
Takeaway: Don't bone Ramsay. Just don't do it, promise? After Bolton castrated Theon Greyjoy and sends his dick in a box (lolz) to papa Greyjoy, he has sex with his lover Myranda. CUTE.
Type: Women... Any women
Favorite Position: Spread-eagle
Fetish: Multiple women at once
Takeaway: Sweet, sweet Podrick. The (assumed) virginal Podrick was accosted with a bevy of beautiful women brought to his bedchamber, thanks to bossman Tyrion. Podrick would probably be a sweet, sensitive lay, but you might need to hold his hand afterwards.
Type: Unearthly Women
Favorite Position: Missionary
Fetish: Creating demon smoke monsters via sexy time
Takeaway: Melisandre would cover your body in leeches before allowing you near her supposed king, and considering she birthed a demon smoke monster, best to steer clear of Stannis.
Type: Whores with a heart of gold
Favorite Position: Any position where he can look into your eyes
Takeaway: Tyrion has bedded his fair share of ladies, but Shae stole his heart. With her out of the picture, there's an opening for someone new to be the lamb to his lion.
Favorite Position: Whatever she wants
Fetish: Taking charge
Takeaway: Screwing Daario would leave you with a new perspective on life. He doesn't have sex with prostitutes, and only kills those trying to kill him, so his moral code might also translate into the bedroom. Clearly he likes woman in power, but coming from a low class himself, I'm sure his love doesn't discriminate.
Type: Catelyn Stark, or her offspring
Favorite Position: TBD
Takeaway: I would like to see what Peyter Baelish could do with his little finger.
Images: HBO; Tumblr; Giphy