Don't Apologize For These Things In A Relationship

by Kat George

Apologizing when you don't actually need to do so is a scourge in any context, but in relationships, we can have more of a tendency to make apologies for things we don't need to be sorry for. Listen, we're all adults here: Being in a relationship is about a lot more than being right all the time, so of course sometimes we're willing to say sorry for things our more petulant selves wouldn't want to apologize for. For instance, even if you think you've done nothing wrong but your partner is upset, sometimes you have to stand up and say, "I'm sorry my actions have upset you. Let's find a compromise where we can both get what we need out of this conversation." Because that's all being a grown-up is: having the ability to compromise. And all having a functional relationship means is that you communicate, make mutually acceptable compromises, and always work towards building and maintaining that relationship.

Even in the midst of all this maturity, there are a few choice things you never have to apologize for. And if you find yourself being asked to apologize for these things repeatedly by your partner, you might want to reassess if this is the healthiest relationship for you to be in. The right person will ask for you to apologize when that apology is beneficial to the relationship (or when you're downright in the wrong), but the wrong person will ask you to apologize when that apology is especially beneficial to them and detrimental to you. And the right person will likely apologize to you too after a disagreement, because as we know, even in a fight where one party is in the right and the other is in the wrong, both parties can act pretty shitty. Here are some things you shouldn't apologize for in a relationship.

1. Farting

I mean, if you're doing roadkill sulphur hell farts you might want to say sorry, but that's more of a "whoopsie" sorry than an actually "I've wronged you; I've done something wrong" kind of sorry. You should never actually be apologetic for your natural bodily functions, and if you're in a relationship where the other person asks you to do so, you're going to run into a lot of problems, a lot of them will likely be bowel-related.

2. Being yourself

It doesn't matter what "being yourself" entails. If yourself is loud and loves singing in the shower or is quiet and likes to sit alone in the evening reading, don't be sorry. You are you! The person you're with should love you for you, not in spite of you. And as such, you should never have to apologize for what makes you naturally and intrinsically you.

3. Being angry when your significant other hurts you

I've been in relationships where I've been made to feel bad for getting angry about something my significant other did wrong, like standing me up, not calling or texting for days, and, ya know, sleeping with other people. So, I mean, I wasn't wrong to be upset, but damn if they didn't try to make me feel like I was. (It's so nice not to be that young anymore, amirite?) Anyone who makes you feel bad because THEY did something mean TO YOU is a bag of d*cks, and you should never, ever be sorry for having totally normal and acceptable and even justified feelings about someone being seriously awful to you.

4. Having needs and expressing them

Don't ever preface "I'm dissatisfied with this," or "I'll actually like things to be more like this" with "I'm sorry but..." You want what you want! You don't have to be sorry for that. In a functional relationship, your S.O. will hear you out, and even if they disagree or can't meet your needs in that situation, try to understand and come to a compromise. You should never feel ashamed about communicating your desires.

5. Feeling sad or vulnerable

As long as you don't take your feelings out on the person you're with, you have nothing to be sorry for. Feeling sad or vulnerable or anything less than perky and happy is completely acceptable. The trick is to simply know how to deal with those feelings in the right way: Tell your S.O. how you feel and what they can do to help. But you absolutely do not have to be sorry, because relationships are about support and unconditional love; When you're down, the person who loves you should receive you without judgement.

6. Nothing

If you're in a relationship where you find yourself apologizing all the time, for absolutely nothing in particular, I cannot reiterate enough: GET OUT. Apologize when you have something to apologize for. Never apologize for nothing, because that only serves to make you feel crappy about yourself and infuses the entire relationship with a bunch of guilty and negative that would be bad enough if it had a real cause, but is entirely unacceptable if it's just vaguely, inexplicably present.

Images: Julia Photography 2011/Flickr; Giphy (6)