Cats Stealing Pizza Is A Tragic, Offensive Epidemic Sweeping The Nation, A Further Reminder That They Are Not To Be Trusted — VIDEO
Pizza is a perfect food. Pizza is sacred. I don't have to read it in somebody's Bible to know that it's true. The moment pizza was first created was the day that mankind realized its true potential for the first time, and we've only been furthering our evolution by putting all sorts of weird stuff on top of it ever since. That being said, there are some creatures who don't respect the sanctity of pizza, and have literally zero shame about it — which is exactly why this compilation of cats stealing pizza exists. Cats have no respect for social decency, but at least they understand what's good in the world. In other words, they know that pizza is wonderful, and they aren't good enough in their souls to respect the fact that it's YOUR pizza they are shamelessly stealing. I don't know how you people tolerate this kind of behavior. Not in my house, cat. Not in my house.
I have said it before and I will say it again: I am not a "cat person". Actually, I think it would be more accurate to say that the cats I meet are not "person cats," in that they are cats who don't like people (i.e., ME). Every feline I've ever met has been mean to me and would probably also steal my pizza if I weren't so wise to their ways that I go to great lengths to avoid them. I mean, really, cats? Pizza thievery? Do we get no respect for keeping you alive and occasionally petting you when you let us?
I've noticed that especially as of late, cats have the audacity to think they have some sort of trademark on pizza. We all saw the Pizza Cat meme go viral, and the trend has only blown even more out of control since that day. Cats now think that stealing our pizza is their god-given right. I mean, just look at some of these cats. Their humans are chasing after them and yelling and they give zero tail swishes about it.
If you don't have a cat, congratulations. You can eat your damn pizza in peace. If you do happen to have a cat, though, these are the fake outs and tricks you need to keep an eye out for, cuz every cat has a different strategy:
The Keyboard Bandit
This is probably the craftiest of all pizza thieving moves. Honestly, I get so distracted by my computer that even if the pizza delivery guy were standing over me and screaming that my pepperoni was here, I probably wouldn't notice for at least ten minutes.
The Adorable Distraction
Most often employed by kittens, they will bamboozle you with their cute and wait until you're just primed enough to STRIKE.
The Zombie Lurk
Like something out of a horror movie, this cat will use its powers of stealth and the cloak of darkness to snatch your pizza. Word to the wise: Only eat pizza with the lights on.
The Blatant Disrespect
This isn't even a strategy. They don't even have enough respect for us to be sneaky about it. "Screw you, human, I do what I want."
Just know that no matter what you do, cats, we will get you in the end. Our opposable thumbs and height advantage will triumph over your evil.
Here's the full video compilation, in case you needed to feel up in arms about the injustices cats do to our species today:
Images: alishav/Flickr; YouTube (5); Giphy (2)