13 Times Amy Schumer Got Real About Sex

by Anna Klassen

Comedy Central has the best comedic line-up around. With The Kroll Show, Key & Peele, the phenomenal Broad City girls, and of course — comedian Amy Schumer, there is no competition for fiercest comedy lineup. And lucky for us, we're about to see a whole lot more of bombshell Amy Schumer. She's hosting the MTV movie awards on Sunday, she has a Judd Apatow-directed movie in the works (that she wrote and stars in), and her series, coyly named Inside Amy Schumer , is about to come back on the air for a third season. With all this on her plate, it's no wonder the comedian says — ironically — that she doesn't have time for sex.

For the uninitiated, Amy Schumer's brand of comedy is uniquely feminine. That is, the topics she comments are are unique to the female experience. And unlike many (read: all) male comedians, she doesn't hold back addressing topics like sex and sexuality from a lady's perspective. Truly, there is nothing this comedian won't talk about. Any though it's meant it to make us laugh, Schumer's commentary is rooted in truth. Isn't all comedy? Here's 13 quotations about sex and relationships from Amy Schumer's beautiful, wise brain.

On Self-Esteem In Bed

"I usually feel pretty good about myself. I know what I look like. You’d bang me, but you wouldn’t blog about it. You won’t be Twittering “You won’t believe who I’m inside.” It’s fine."

On Using Protection

"You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.'"

On Deal Breakers

"We had to break up, though. We wanted different things — like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear."

On Keeping The Lights On

"I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'"

On Bad Choices

"I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea — he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.'"

On Self-Pleasure

"I walked in on him masturbating. He's like, 'Are you mad?' I'm like, 'Uh no, but you seem to be. Holy shit. Does it owe you money?'"

On Promiscuity

"In every group of girlfriends, there's that one who is the sluttiest. If you don't have that friend, you're that friend. Let's be real."

On Grooming

"It's work having a vagina. Guys don't think that its work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn't. Every night it's like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me."

On Pregnancy Scares

"The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.'"

On Pedaphilia

"I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation — like I know where I'm going to be in three years."

On Sexual Limits

"No one’s ever cum on my face. That surprises a lot of people. Never caught one up top as they say in the biz."

On Birth Control

"You feel like such a dirty whore buying Plan B. It is so embarrassing because it’s over the counter but you have to ask you pharmacist, and they know what you want but they make you ask. They’re lookin’ at me, I’m like, you see where my eyeliner is just give it to me."

Beauty Standards

"I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story — I will."

Inside Amy Schumer Season 3 premieres April 21 on Comedy Central.

Images: Apatow Productions; Tumblr; Giphy