7 '30 Rock' Quotes That Should Be Memoir Titles

by Brigid Ronan

It's no secret by this point that Tina Fey is a brilliant comedy writer (hello, Kimmy Schmidt !). Since making waves as Saturday Night Live 's first female head writer in 1999, Fey has continued to outdo herself in an astoundingly prolific career. I wouldn't dare pigeonhole a single piece of Fey's making as the "best thing she's created," but I do think most fans of her work would agree that 30 Rock takes the cake when it comes to hilarious, off-the-wall one-liners. In her 2011 autobiography, Bossypants, Fey speaks fondly of her years spent working on the NBC show: “By episode eleven 30 Rock had really found its voice, and it was the voice of a crazy person.”

Since ending its run in 2013, the 30 Rock's popularity hasn't waned. Like a good wine — or a cheap wine you buy for a friend, insinuating that it was expensive — these episodes just get better with age, perhaps thanks to the layered quality of each joke and reference.

While reading through an archive of some of the show's best quotes one quiet, rainy afternoon (cue sad violin), it struck me that some of its most bizarre lines would make excellent memoir titles. After all, we live in a time when the creative nonfiction genre, especially the memoir, is burgeoning in popularity. So, while you brainstorm the perfect title for your future autobiography, consider the creative possibilities of the following seven titles, brought to you courtesy of — that's right — "the voice of a crazy person."

In this searing confessional, our author stuns readers with the revelation that he is, in fact, a robot — and not just your run-of-the-mill robot — a STABBING robot. Critics praise the memoir's unconventional structure, but admit that its message feels repetitive at times, given the fact that every page contains the same, single sentence: "I am a stabbing robot." Author has been placed on the FBI watchlist.

Heralded through all the land as "the face that launched a thousand bar tabs," our author recalls the best Happy Hour snacks she's been offered over the years. Critics call it, "essential reading for the peckish single woman." A tale of romance and nachos, this dating and noshing guide tackles the questions we're all afraid to ask, like, "When should I use condiments?"* and "Is there such a thing as 'too many' jalapeño poppers?"**

* Answer = "Always"

** Answer = "No"

Liz, author and celebrated creator of "Lizbianism," looks back on her life in this bestselling memoir, sharing what she's learned on the path that ultimately led her to Lizbianism. Die-hard fans of the book, commonly referred to as Lizbos, agree that this is the single best work of literary nonfiction since Twilight.

This shoddy, half-assed guide to living contains an assortment of photocopied pages from O magazine, as well as word-for-word transcripts from popular episodes of The Oprah Winfrey Show. Shrugging shoulders, the author admits to "kind of phoning it in on this one," having completely plagiarized Oprah's advice and entire life story. One critic says, "This is actually illegal." Sources confirm that a restraining order was filed by Oprah's people soon after book's release.

One man's trash is another man's... underwear. A pioneer in waste-free living, our author shares her firsthand account of 365 days of reducing her carbon footprint by putting everyday garbage to better use. Who knew a cardboard Starbucks coffee tray could make the perfect bra? Need a walking stick in a pinch? Try stacking used toilet paper rolls on top of one another to your desired height. Searching for the perfect blindfold? Just fashion one out of an old CVS receipt long enough to fit around your head. It works great! Hate this book? Try burning it and using its ashes as shadow to create that perfect smoky eye!

This profoundly courageous journey into the mind of its author tackles two of life's biggest questions: "What happens to us after we die?" and "How does bread become toast?" In alternating chapters, this self-proclaimed philosopher of our time dissects various theories of life after death, as well as the merits of toaster ovens versus conventional toasters, and what might really go on inside those contraptions anyhow. The unforgettable final chapter contains interviews with medical patients who have miraculously come back to life after briefly being declared dead, as well as quotes from a handful of people who don't believe in the existence of toast.

Once just a scrappy Hogwarts alum slinging back butterbeer and chasing witches, this is one man's incredible journey to become the first wizard elected to the United States Senate. Follow our author as he impresses voters with his Nimbus 2000, works on a spell to make the national debt disappear, and struggles to find a cloak that doesn't make him look like a lesser-known Supreme Court justice.

Images: Giphy (1); Dawn Foster