Diddling on your smart phone while in the company of living, breathing (or at least seemingly breathing) humans conveys a very clear message: "I have more interesting, worthwhile things to do than pay you the basic respect of being present in this moment with you." It isn't a very comforting message yet we continue to broadcast it to the people we love the most, which sucks. All this texting is bad for your back and neck, too. In a very convincing effort to remedy the conversation with loved ones part, brainiac person Brad Hesse presents a hat that maintains eye contact while texting. It's called Texting Hat and it is equal parts impressive and nightmare-inducing.
The hat is not actually available for purchase, but Hesse does lay out some fairly simple directions for DIY-ing your own. Crafts! Lying! Basically all the fun things available for your recreational needs and protecting human relationships. It involves an ivy cap, which is essentially the iconic little hat adorning fancy chauffeurs in cartoons and also Justin Timberlake at least once. From there, you can print and paste various images of your own face (presumably with an array of expressions so you can remain convincing as mentally present as much as possible) to the top of the hilarious headwear.
Perfect for parties! And elevators! And generally avoiding real-time human interaction! See what I mean with this helpful video showing Texting Hat in action:
It's not rude! It's multitasking! Literally what I've been telling everyone for years re: simultaneously cleaning and eating while entertaining company at home. Let's revisit the final, haunting frame:
Some start expressions for your Texting Hat my brain thought would be cool:
Bey-esque NOPE face
Listen, arguments are important but they don't need to take up your entire mental capacity. You have a whole Instagram #pugs hashtag to get through! This Bey-esque NOPE face helps you put up a really persuasive fight without pausing your scrolling.
Nicki-esque YAS face
Also not a bad option for frequent wear as this asserts: "I like you," "I believe in you," and, "You should probably keep me around even if I remain motionless and unspeaking."
Rage? Sure! Pleasant surprise? Maybe! Hangry as hell? Probably! It's a catch-all, TBH.
Happy crafting and ignoring, y'all.
Images: Brad Hasse/YouTube(3); Giphy(3)