Kim Kardashian & Kanye West's Prenup Will Probably Happen, So We Created One For Them

Remember when we heard that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West would not let a prenuptial agreement sour their fiancé'd bliss? Love never seemed so real or pure. In fact, the word "love" was replaced with "Kimye" in most dictionaries (I assume. I haven't looked at a real dictionary in a while). Well, we might've gotten carried away: allegedly, Kimye holler they want prenup, THEY WANT PRENUP, YEAH! I'm 250% certain their marriage will last until the end of time, so it's not like they'll ever have to deal with dividing the assets, but a prenup is always a wise move. Marriage is a legal institution, so why not involve lawyers? Some call it "a mood crusher," but I call it "being fiscally-responsible."

The multi-million dollar question: Who has more to lose out of the pair? Hard to say. TMZ says some sources believe Kim to be worth $40 million and Kanye worth $90 million. BUT THEN! TMZ goes on to report that they've been told that Kim is worth more than 'Ye. I'm going to assume that tipster's name rhymes with "Friss Quenner." Like I said, no one knows what is happening.

If Kimye does go through with the prenup, I've drawn up a contract for them. I know they're both loaded, but I thought I'd save them the lawyer fees. Call it an early wedding gift. No, I'm not a lawyer. And no, I've never looked at a real prenuptial agreement (I'm an unmarried non-millionaire). But I used to comb through contracts on a regular basis (don't ask) AND Kimye is the air I breathe. I can handle this.

PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT

This Prenuptial Agreement ("Holler We Want Prenup") is made October 25, 2013 by and between Kimberly Kardashian ("Ms. Kardashian") and Kanye West ("Mr. West"), in anticipation of the magical marriage of the above-named parties. This Holler We Want Prenup will not be real until both parties recite their vows as they emerge from an inactive volcano. The parties agree to the following:

AGREEMENT

Except as otherwise specified in this Holler We Want Prenup, the following property now owned by either party shall remain their separate property:

  • Antique fish tank
  • Peplum blouses
  • Corbusier lamp
  • Black and white portraits of Kardashian, Kardashian-Jenner, and Jenner family members
  • Grammy Awards

Addendum: Ms. Kardashian's closet remains separate property despite any and all wardrobe makeovers conducted by Mr. West. Any clothing currently borrowed by Kylie Jenner and/or Kendall Jenner ("Jenner Sisters") remain the property of Ms. Kardashian.

Any future income generated by both parties remain separated, unless it is a joint venture. This includes but is not limited to:

  • Club appearances
  • Fragrances
  • Albums
  • Tours
  • A.P.C. Kanye
  • Kardashian Kollection for Sears
  • OPI nail polish lines
  • DASH Boutiques

In the case Mr. West and Ms. Kardashian record an album together, develop a clothing line together, build an amusement park together, develop and sell a cure for the common cold together, or write a book series for teens together, they must split any generated income in half.

DIVORCE

  • Ugh, may it never come to this. It is recommended that Mr. West and Ms. Kardashian keep their finances separated. In the event of divorce, the parties' respective money, assets, and property will remain separated. Easy peasy.
  • If the parties have a joint bank account, parties must turn over all of that money to their child[ren]. Everything. Their child[ren] will get everything and Mr. West and Ms. Kardashian will be left with nothing because the two parties let the world down.
  • Each piece of jointly-owned property (e.g., real estate, vehicles, islands, planets, solar systems) will be written on slips of of paper and put into a hat. A third party will hold the hat and ask that the two parties take turns drawing the slips of paper. Whatever the parties draw is their property. If they want to make any trades, that's cool.
  • Parties must personally deliver an Edible Arrangement and a sincerely-worded apology letter to Kristie Rohwedder. She has a lot riding on this union, emotionally-speaking.