11 Reasons Bagels Are The Most Perfect Food Items In Existence On Our Planet

Bagels are so commonplace in the breakfast and bodega world, I never much considered their yeasty, majestic conception. Apparently, the bagel originated in 1600s Poland to celebrate the Jewish Bris tradition. That is correct: bagels exist because of a religious ceremony involving removal of the foreskin. Moving right along ... They eventually became popular in the U.S. during the '60s and now thankfully decorate most continental brunch spreads, regardless of attendees' genital situations. All this is a good thing, as bagels are the most perfect food in existence.

Bagels have a wide array of convenient, delicious, and economical positive qualities. They look like and are often lumped in with doughnuts, which makes only borderline sense. Like doughnuts, bagels are usually rings of pure gluten available at bakeries and traditionally enjoyed during morning hours. Unlike doughnuts, however, bagels are not classically fried, and when they come loaded with bacon or other meat products, it's not an immediate catastrophe (like the cheeseburger-stuffed doughnut, a thing that exists and makes me very sad). They basically float around as boiled life rafts to ensure our continued existence, blank canvases for us to decorate with mouthwatering brushstrokes, and on-the-go fuel. Again, bagels are the best, and here is why:

They're Cheap As Hell

Ordering them in bulk is dirt cheap — through Google Shop, it equals out to about $0.38 per bagel. On average, you can grab one with schmear (Schmear! We'll get into that later) at a New York deli for $2.25. A bagel loaded with regular cream cheese is usually about 450 calories — so that's $0.005 per calorie! (I am burning up the calculator function on my phone right now for you guys. FOR YOU GUYS.) Remember, in Canada they call calories "energy". That's cheap energy! Amazing!!

They're Filling

Please recall the average 450 calories thing. That's a pretty quick way to sate your hungry bod, not to mention a fast fix to halt hangry tendencies in their rage-filled tracks.

They're Super Portable

Sure, the true reason behind the bagel's hole is so they may be sold from a threaded rod, but look at your own thumb for a moment. Kinda looks like a rod, yes? Thread away and hop along your day while carbing it up with your bagel BFF. Sometimes you gotta eat without pausing those day-saving duties!

They Go Beautifully With Avocados

Another food that keeps me believing magic is real. Seriously, just grab you a nice, ripe avo, cut it open and spread its guts all over a toasty bagel half. For extra credit, top with freshly ground black pepper. You're welcome.

They Make For More Interesting Sandwiches ... And PIZZA

Plain bread is so blaaah. Plus, what kind of insane person wouldn't want to sneak in extra carbalicious oomph? Excuse me while I have a moment, uh, with this bagel pizza in private.

They Don't Have To Be Savory

Plenty of folks take the idea of Nutella crepes and give it a glutentastic twist by subbing the crepe for, duh, a bagel. You could be one of those folks. Add strawberries or banana slices for an even sweeter jolt.

They Are Very Easy To Pun With

Which is why an Arizona shop is brilliantly dubbed Lox Stock & Bagel, seagulls live by the sea, and this bagel joke Tumblr exists.

They Inspired The Creation Of Schmears

Schmear is a different, less square way to say "cream cheese." The varieties of schmear go deep, too — spanning from standard, traditional fare like veggie, onion, and strawberry (at least at Dunkin Donuts) to the exotic like apricot almond, red velvet, and blue cheese herb.

They're Not Just For Breakfast

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Did you think you'd make it through the post without this helpful reminder? You did not. Sorry not sorry, but I am now biologically obligated to perpetuate the legend of bagel bites as I have them to thank for the entire loss of feeling in the roof of my mouth. Bagel power!

They Were Basically An Integral Character In The Cast Of The O.C.

They sure do come up often enough in this perfect teen soap series that there's no way it could be considered an accident. The bagels should get their own title cards in the opening credits. At least it would be less strained than Kirsten's concerned brow face.

Seriously, though...

Marissa left us, but bagels would NEVER.

Images: CLender/Flickr