Kickstarter Campaign Launched To Name Your Dog For You, And In Other News, My Dream Job Stolen By Kickstarter Campaign

I am obsessed with names. The day the Social Security Administration releases the top baby names of the year is like a holiday for me. I used to secretly haunt baby naming boards to give posters my opinions on their choices and to present them with options of my own. (Someone needs to name a baby girl Isadora or Juniper, like, yesterday; Why is no one listening to me?!) All of my cars have been named. I have named hypothetical race horses. I have named restaurants I have absolutely no interest in ever opening. I have named nail polish colors that already have names but I like the ones I come up with better. I have imagined what I would name myself if I could (I think I would make an excellent Violet or Jane). I have come up with porn star, stripper, drag queen, and pen names. I have named more pets (real and imagined) than I could ever begin to recall. So I say without ego or hesitation: If anyone should be paid to name things, it should be me, and certainly not Aaron Schlechter, who has launched a Kickstarter project entitled "I Will Name Your Dog." Damn you, Aaron, for stealing my dream away from me. This should have been my thing and now you've gone and done it first.

The plan is pretty simple, as illustrated in Aaron's drawing...

HEY AARON! I HOPE YOU'RE BETTER AT NAMING DOGS THAN YOU ARE AT DRAWING THEM, YOU DREAM-STEALER!

He continues:

Don't die alone just because you're terrible at naming dogs and people are constantly judging you because of it. Let me name your dog.

Okay, so this campaign is obviously entirely tongue in cheek (and it's actually pretty funny) and so too is my hatred of Aaron. It's just that I want so badly for naming pets to be a lucrative career. It has currently netted Schlechter $154, so...I live in hope, if not optimism.

Dream on, Aaron. Please know that if this campaign goes viral and you need some help naming any of the dogs...well...I don't mean to brag, but I have two future dogs named already (Claudius and Pamplemousse) so I'd be happy to lend a hand.

Images: Getty Images; Kickstarter(2)