6 Ways To Seduce A Sapiosexual

If you're more interested in someone's bookshelf than their hot bod or bulging bank account, you might be a sapiosexual. Although critics call sapiosexuals snobs and suggest that smarts have always been a major player in human attraction, this uber-trendy "sexual orientation" is really just another way to identify yourself as one who privileges intelligence above all else in a potential partner. Identity politics reign supreme, so it's fitting that we constantly conceive new categories to label and define our niche sensibilities and predilections, however ridiculous or annoying or unnecessary they may seem.

As a recovering sapiosexual, I have experienced the benefits and drawbacks from limiting my dating pool to only those who know the difference between Barthes, Baudrillard, and de Beauvoir. There was a time that a mispronounced word, misspelling, or blank stare about canonical works of literature, philosophy, or art would wither all signs of attraction on the spot. My sex life was brimming with cunning linguists who bought me books instead of flowers and who truly gave new meaning to the phrase "giving head." While sapiosexuals might limit their romantic or erotic possibilities by limiting their definition of what intelligence means, the pretentious heart just wants what it wants. So if you're looking to please a brain teaser, here are six ways to turn a sapiosexual on.

1. Impress them with your spot-on pronunciation of commonly mispronounced words

Sometimes, it's the little things to a sapiosexual, like knowing that it's "nuclear" and not "nucular," "espresso" and not "expresso" or "et cetera" not "ex cetera." Even the smallest linguistic clues will set a sapiosexual off (or turn them on), so your verbiage needs to be on point. Just remember if you're having dessert: there have never and will never be two "r's" in sherbet.

2. Seduce them with existentialist sexts

Have your sapiosexual trembling (without the fear) when you lay some Kierkegaard quotes on them. Write: "Love discovers truths about individuals that others cannot see" for something a little more romantic, or keep it casual by sending off a sexy Sartre sext: "Life has no meaning the moment you lose the illusion of being eternal." BOOM.

3. Gift them a selection of Anais Nin's Delta Of Venus in a 50 Shades dust jacket

Many a sapiosexual enjoys laughing at the "plebs" and their unrefined tastes, so why not share a chuckle over the worst in erotic pop lit? Dress up Anais Nin's renowned publication of erotic short stories Delta of Venus in a 50 Shades of Grey dust jacket to really hammer the point home. The juxtaposition of these two publications is sure to create humorous disjuncture between your form of sensual erudition and the de rigueur titillation of the masses.

4. Email them a Schrodinger's Cat meme

What's better than a cat meme? A Schrodinger's Cat meme! Even if you don't personally understand quantum mechanics, any sapiosexual worth his or her salt is sure to love this twist on our favorite Internet past time. Add a quote about wanting your reality to collapse into their reality, and you're sure to get their theoretical juices flowing.

5. Forget the gym, do a "Mensa Workout" together

Don't waste time on cardio or bicep curls, strengthen and test your knowledge with a Mensa Workout. Some sapiosexuals will enjoy a team challenge, while others will be totally hot and bothered by comparing scores at the end. Winner gets bragging rights (and the crushing realization that they possess the superior intellect). Good luck!

6. Use "body language" to let them know how limiting you think written language truly is

Written language can be a vehicle for great minds, and yet, anyone with a basic understanding of linguistics or post-structuralist theory knows just how very limited it is. When all else fails, if you can't express your feelings through words, forgo the verbal foreplay and hit the sheets. Just make sure you invite your sapiosexual to "transcend the symbolic order and experience a REAL night of pleasure" or something Lacanian-sounding like that.

Images: Fotolia; Giphy