Maintaining one's admiration for Britney Spears has been a difficult endeavor throughout the years. Like most middle school obsessions, being a Britney Spears fan was simple, at first: Britney Spears was innocently shiny, insanely catchy, and dating Justin Timberlake from N'SYNC OOOH MY GODDDD! Yet things never stay "simple," do they? Before long, Spears' bubble gum veneer burst open, breakdown by breakdown. It seemed her career had been destroyed in a maniacal fit of shaved heads... and our youths destroyed with it. Would she ever come back, or had she joined Tiffany and Mama Cass in the annals of faded stardom?
Then, a few years went by. We grew older and wiser; as it turned out, SO HAD BRITNEY! Like a phoenix rising from Kevin Federline's ashes, Spears was suddenly back, with a prerogative to make millions by making us dance. Where the world saw a mess, we saw an ambitious survivor who was once again filling our brains with addictive dance tracks. Suddenly, it was back — that sense of excitement in loving something brazenly shiny and profoundly silly. Only now it meant more because we were adults. Spears took us to hell and back!
Here's what we've learned in the process.
Sometimes You Have To Laugh At Yourself
You're going to make mistakes. You're going to say stupid things. You're going to make weird faces that some Internet nerd turns into a GIF. LAUGH ABOUT IT!
Sometimes You Gotta Shut Someone Down
If you don't like the conversation you're in, change it. Ain't nobody got time for that.
Ain't Nothing Wrong With A Healthy Appetite
Spears has gotten a lot of (mean-spirited, petulant, disgusting) criticism for her weight. Guess what, bro? Your body-shaming can suck it. It's 10:30 in the morning, and I just ate a bucket of nachos because I AM AN ADULT. You got a a problem with that?
Britney Spears Is An Incredible Dancer
At this point, there's no need to even bother defending her singing voice. Say what you want about it; I'm too old to care anymore. Know this, though: if you utter so much as one syllable that expresses any kind of criticism or negative thoughts about her dancing, I will hunt you down and murder your entire family in front of you. She's untouchable.
The Value of Hard Work
Like Ru Paul before her, Spears knows that if a diva wants to succeed, SHE BETTER WORK. Since her comeback, the pop queen has thrown herself into her career. With the exception of Madge or Joan Rivers, few stars work as hard as Spears. If you want something, you gotta work for it.
Say What You Want To Say
People may not like it, but sometimes you need to speak your mind. If you're being basic, I'm going to tell you you're being basic, it's as simple as that. If you don't like it, then maybe don't be basic?
Forget Gaga — Britney Spears Is The New Madonna...
...and always has been. I love Lady Gaga, but the Madonna comparisons have never made that much sense. Spears has long been the Madge-approved successor to the pop diva kingdom, largely because they're selling the same product. Gaga sings more than dances, writes her owns songs, and plays like 32 instruments. Spears and Madonna's pop empires are built on auto-tuned dance tracks with self-aggrandizing lyrics about not giving a crap about what people think. For better or worse, it's been them against the music since 2003.
Images: Giphy (7)