You guys, get ready for your minds to be blown: Contrary to popular belief, the Kentucky Derby is not, in fact, a Funny Hat Competition — but, instead, a horse race. I know: Whaa-?! Naturally, this shocking revelation had me intrigued, so I did a little digging: it turns out that all those people in funny hats are actually there to watch a horse race, and the best part of it all are the ridiculous names that are bestowed upon the horses. Like, the Kentucky Derby horse names sound crazier than celebrity baby names, and that's saying something.
Recent Kentucky Derby champions have included the hilariously boozy "I'll Have Another" and "Mine That Bird," which definitely sounds like the next big iPhone game. (It'd be a combination of Angry Birds and Minesweeper, obvi.) While scrolling through the list of this year's competitors, though, my eyes glazed over and something amazing happened: the horse names became nearly indistinguishable from popular hashtags one might see floating around a typical teenager's Twitter or Instagram account.
In the mood for a particularly challenging brainteaser? You're in luck, because I have one right here: Just try to tell which of these are real hashtags, and which are Kentucky Derby horse names. (Disclaimer: For obfuscation purposes, all entries will be written as hashtags.)
If there were a horse named Beast Mode, it would totally win.
Horse or hashtag? Take your pick!
#yolo's weird cousin, maybe?
OK, this one's kind of a gimme.
Nobody messes with Mr. Z!
I would totally be best friends with a horse named Swag.
Horse, hashtag, OR the name of Vanilla Ice's comeback album?
One Direction fever doesn't stop before horse racing.
On another note, how amazing is that GIF?
Horse? Hashtag? Ocho Cinco?
1) Alas, this is just a commonly used hashtag.2) Yep, that's a horse. This is definitely the strangest name on the list this year, as it's actually spelled like a hashtag, dispensing with nonsense like spaces and capital letters: "Itsaknockout."3) It's actually a horse. And he's so awesome that if he had a Twitter, his name would become his own hashtag: "Bolo only lives once #bolo"4) Hashtag. I'm just in love with the idea of a horse as obsessed with pizza as I am.5) Horse! And, I hope, it's a horse that knows how to throw some mad shade — with a name like that, it'd be a shame if not.6) Hashtag — sadly, this word can only be used to describe the FABULOUS HATS ON DISPLAY.7) Horse, surprisingly! Keen Ice is actually horse racing royalty, being the son of 2007 Preakness winner Curlin. He's gonna ice the competition. (See what I did there?)8) Or, maybe it does. This is a hashtag. 9) Hashtag, weirdly enough. Did you know that taking pictures of the carpet in an airport terminal and posting it to Instagram with the incredibly obvious and incredibly dumb hashtag #airportcarpet is actually a thing? I mean, I know airports are boring and all, but at least go to the overpriced sports bar and grab a pint like a normal person, you weirdo!10) Horse! Not only is there a horse named Ocho Ocho Ocho, but he's currently the odds-on favorite to win. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Kentucky Derby in a nutshell.
Images: Giphy.com (9); Wifflegif.com