At least once a week, I wake up, stretch and think, "My shoulders hurt. I wonder if I could get a massage today..." Full disclosure, I'm sort of a massage addict. From fancy spas to mall kiosks, to foam rollers and vibrating chairs, there is nothing I love more than getting a massage. As one of the world's most anxious people, I hold tension like a brand new violin string. If I could train my dog to stand on my shoulders, I would. I've even been known to lay on a tennis ball from time to time. Basically, I'm always ready for some serious deep tissue massage action.
That same anxiety that causes so much tightness has also ensured that I'm not the type of woman who can ever really turn her brain off. Even at my most physically relaxed, my thoughts bounce around like a Mexican jumping bean. A massage appointment can be a really intimate experience for even the most experienced client. Dim lighting, low music, flickering candles, you're (mostly) naked and a stranger is touching you, so it's really hard to not feel vulnerable at some point. Even if anxious thoughts don't play on a loop in your mind, I think you'll agree that these are the 31 thoughts everyone has during a massage.
1. This is just what I need... An hour of relaxation!
2. Ohh, look! Chilled lemon water. What a charming waiting room!
3. Oh, the sign says I need to switch off my cell phone. Um, okay... I better just check my texts and emails first in case there is an emergency or something.
4. And, like, Twitter. Oh, my crush JUST sent me a Snapchat. I can't just ignore that...
5. I can't believe the receptionist made me turn off my phone. This is making me anxious.
6. OK, time to get naked.
7. Or, maybe I should keep my undies on?
8. Do other people neatly fold and stack their clothing here?
9. This heated bed is really nice. I wonder if I can get a queen size version to replace my bed at home.
10. I feel like I've been lying here naked under this sheet for an hour.
11. I miss the blue light.
12. Ah excellent, let's start with my neck.
13. This really hurts, but that means it's working.
14. I think.
15. I hope she doesn't hit that "death nerve" you always see in sci-fi movies...What's it called?
16. Wow, she's really digging in there. Please don't bruise, skin.
17. The Vulcan Nerve Pinch! Spock used to take people out with that baby on Star Trek! Damn, I'm a nerd.
18. I hope the massage oil she's using doesn't make my back break out because I really want to wear that new silk cami this weekend.
19. Does she get grossed out by having to massage people with bacne? Oh no, she just kneaded around a pimple on my back.
20. This calming music really makes me anxious. Where's the soothing Taylor Swift?
21. Can she really feel a pressure point on my shoulder and relieve it by pressing one on my hips? That doesn't seem possible.
22. Oh, that feels so great. Maybe I'll be able to actually hold that yoga pose this week!
23. Probably not.
24. OMG, does she think it's strange that I left my underwear on?
25. God, please don't let me fart right now.
26. She's moving on to my legs... which means she's almost done... but I don't want it to end.
27. Did I shave my legs this morning? Or yesterday?
28. Did she just use her elbows? It hurts so good.
29. That was the quickest 50 minutes of my life!
30. Do massage therapists get massages after work?
31. When can I book my next appointment?
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