Chipotle's Guacamole Recipe Has Been Released, And Suddenly No Other Food Will Matter Ever Again
The gods have smiled upon burrito lovers on this fine day. Chipotle's guacamole recipe has been released, so yeah, this is what the new world looks like now. You're living in it. Hundreds of years from now, when you are merely a brain in a bottle suspended in consciousness, you'll be able to tell your great-great-great-grandchildren about the moment that the burrito chain Chipotle decided to share its deepest, most coveted secret of all to a planet that is, quite frankly, unworthy of this great gift.
So why now? Was it because Hillary Clinton ate at Chipotle? Perhaps this is all part of the most clever presidential campaign ever run, and she is harnessing the power of burritos to make it happen. But now that I have seen the recipe with mine own two eyes, my only real remaining question is this: Is the human race ready for this kind of power? "Absolute power corrupts absolutely," said John Dalberg-Acton, aka some guy whose existence is basically summed up by the re-appropriation of this quote for the Batman vs. Superman movie trailer. Don't try to tell me that his words don't apply here, too. As appreciative as I am that Chipotle has decided to trust us with this, I can't help but wonder if this right here is the moment in history when the human race starts to unravel itself for good.
Oh, well. We had a good run. Here's the official recipe, according to Chipotle:
THIS IS ALL YOU’LL NEED:
- 2 ripe Hass avocados (In the restaurant, we use 48 per batch, multiple times per day)
- 2 tsp lime juice
- 2 tbsp cilantro (chopped)
- 1/4 cup red onion (finely chopped)
- 1/2 jalapeño, including seeds (finely chopped)
- 1/4 tsp kosher salt
HOW TO DO IT:
1. Choose the right avocado. It should feel squishy yet firm (like the palm of your hand), and be a nice dark green color on the inside.2. Cut the avocado in half and the remove the pit (carefully!)3. Scoop the avocados and place in a medium bowl.4. Toss and coat with lime juice.5. Add the salt and using a fork or potato masher, mash until a smooth consistency is achieved.6. Fold in the remaining ingredients and mix well.7. Taste the guacamole (over and over) and adjust seasoning if necessary.
So guys, I am basically a ~wizard~ at math (in that I never failed a math class in high school and vigilantly avoided them for the rest of my life), so I did some computing for you. I'm going to conservatively estimate that we go to Chipotle twice a week. When you factor in that guac is about $1.80 extra, that means that if you make your own Chipotle guac, you could save $187.20 per year.
It's going to be burning a hole in your pocket pretty soon, but luckily I can think of plenty of ways you can spend it:
1. 18 pairs of Guac socks!
YES, 18 PAIRS. You can't risk living the kind of life where your favorite socks are "in the wash". You need 18 pairs of avocado insurance.
2. This passive aggressive t-shirt!
Not that it matters anymore. #LaterHaters.
3. MORE CHIPOTLE.
Let's be real, that money you "saved" is still theirs no matter how hard you try.
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