8 Questions Butt Virgins Have About Butt Play

by Laken Howard

I'm non-judgmental and willing to try whatever, so long as my partner and I are both comfortable. Unfortunately, I'm perpetually single and thus haven't had much of an opportunity to try certain sexual acts that those in a long-term relationship have time to build up to, like butt play. What are the best anal sex tips for virgins of the act?

I consider myself a pretty experimental person, in theory. My butt is like the Louisiana Purchase, pre-Lewis and Clark: largely uncharted territory. Don't get me wrong, guys have definitely touched my butt a little bit. I've been getting fingerbanged and all of a sudden there's maybe a pinky that's exploring my b-hole and I'm like "whoa" then ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. But when it comes to predetermined butt activities, my experience is pretty much nonexistent.

Even though we've already had some of our anal questions answered, I'll be the first to admit that I'm likely to be plagued by last-minute butt stuff paranoia, regardless of how many time I've perused Anal For Dummies. I'm sure I'm not alone in wondering what exactly a foray into butt play would look/feel/sound/smell/taste(?) like, so I've come up with a set of very scientific questions for our non-butt virgin comrades. Enlightened ones, bestow your mighty butt wisdom upon us all!

1. Is there, like, a starter pack for this?

If I go to Spencer's, will they have a box of supplies I can buy with detailed instructions on How to Train Your Butt? I know I'm supposed to use lube, but what kind? How much? What if it just... oozes out? I'm really out of my league on this one.

2. How many fingers is too many fingers?

If I haven't made the leap to actually buying a Butt Tickler 3000 or whatever and just want to tell my partner to try putting a few fingers or even a tongue in there, is there a benchmark for beginners? I assume that I should start small and work my way up, but will one finger even feel like anything? In my limited experience, one finger up there is kind of hard to notice when there's all kinds of other vagina-touching going on.

3. Speaking of butt toys, why do anal beads look like a cat toy?

Seriously, I wouldn't be surprised if some poor innocent soul has mistakenly bought some anal beads thinking, "If I tape this thing to the wall, Fluffy will have so much fun swatting at it with her cute little paws!"

4. How much grooming is required to feel 100 percent confident and clean in the butt region?

Hygiene is really important to me, so if there is even the slightest chance someone is going to be touching or licking my butt, I want it to be in pristine condition. Is there a Butt Stuff juice cleanse I can do to just flush everything out? Oh god, do I have hair in my butthole?! Should I trim it? What about anal bleaching? That's a thing, right? It seems like butt maintenance could be costly and potentially painful, but probably worth it.

5. How do I stretch my butthole?

I assume that my butt needs a good workout before it's ready for action. Is there an ass version of Kegels? Do I just wear a butt plug around for a day or two? Do I even need a butt plug if I'm not doing honest-to-god, penis-in-butt sex? Is there an ideal balance of loose butthole/tight butthole I should strive for to optimize pleasure?

6. Approximately how many times does it take to get used to a foreign object going in and out of my butt?

Not that I'm necessarily ready to jump into actual anal, but if I get into light ass play and decide to take it to the next level, will it still feel weird or hurt? Is this a situation where if you don’t like it the first time, you never will? Do butts get second chances? I don’t want to spend emotional and physical energy prepping my butt for sex only to find out my butt is not at all down with that.

7. Are there special positions that make butt stuff easier/more pleasurable?

I am going to assume that any "from behind" position works like a charm, but can I still be on my back while my partner touches/penetrates/licks my butt? Do I have to be super flexible and stretch my legs over my head to make this work? I am not a contortionist. Can I maybe touch my own butt during regular sex? That would probably work. I just want to experiment with butt stuff without having to join a gym and take hot yoga.

8. Is there usually an in-depth clean up process?

I’m certain that a porn gag reel called "Anal Gone Wrong" exists. What’s the standard amount of fluids (or worse) that needs to be cleaned up afterwards, on a scale of "wash your hands" to "buy new sheets/possibly a new bed"? Sometimes good sex is messy, I totally get that. But if I have big plans later, I need to be prepared to budget my time accordingly. Maybe I should lay out a tarp? I can’t afford a new bed.

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