What Your Pubic Hair Says About Your Personality, According To My Mom, Because She Has Strong Opinions On Your Pubes

Oh, pubes. Some people love them, some people hate them — and some people really couldn’t care less. We all have our pubic hair preferences. In the past couple years, Cameron Diaz announced that everyone should be au naturel, Instagram came out as firmly anti-vagina hair, and American Apparel made some kind of statement (although who knows exactly what) when they pasted merkins on mannequins in one of their NYC stores.

We all want to pretend like we’re all neutral about each other’s pubes, let’s be honest: You have a pube hairstyle that speaks to you. Whether you’re pro-pube or wouldn’t step outside your house without feeling the wind on your clitoris, there’s a reason you’re rocking that pussy coif.

So what does your choice of pubic grooming say about you? Is there a fundamental difference between a woman who’s looking more bush than forest and one who vajazzles? What’s your vagina proudly proclaiming?

I turned to my mom for answers.

Now, here’s a little background on my mom. She’s a badass feminist and, in any state other than Vermont, would definitely be called a hippie. For the past 40 years, she’s run a pottery co-operative for college students and she doesn’t shave anything — not her pits, her legs, and definitely not her pubes. I was mortified when I finally decided to ask her to buy me a razor and shaving cream when I was eleven but not more mortified than I would be at 12, when I realized that no other moms had hairs peeking out of their bathing suits.

So, yeah, my mom has always had some strong opinions about pubic preferences — and she’s not afraid to share them.

Full Bush

How I explained it:

No grooming, all natural. Letting Mother Nature grow her jungle.

Mom says:

“These are young women who identify as ardent feminists. Their general way of approaching beauty things is a completely natural look. Their personality would probably be pretty straightforward. Opinionated.”

Neatly Trimmed

How I explained it:

Just keeping it short, no shapes or anything.

Mom says:

“I’d say it’s somebody who is interested in looking pretty. She wants to appear attractive, pretty, and well groomed. She’s probably a young professional.”

Full Bush Brazilian

How I explained it:

It’s a reverse pussy mullet! Totally waxed around your bikini line, taint, and butt but keeping a full bush up front.

Mom says:

“So there’s hair just on your mons? Like… Almost like a polka dot?”

Yes, mom. Like a big, hairy polka dot.

“I would say that’s somebody that has too much time on her hands.”

Brazilian

How I explained it:

No hair at all, even in your butt area. 100% bald down there.

Mom says:

“I don’t know about personality but I would say that’s someone who’s not a feminist and doesn’t understand that she’s making herself look like a little girl. She’s playing into a fantasy. Or, maybe she does understand it and that’s okay with her, but I feel a little judgmental about that one. I feel that not accepting that your body changes when you become a woman and trying to erase those things is detrimental.”

“I think that’s someone who could easily be overwhelmed in a relationship. She might appear to know what she’s doing but is actually pretty insecure.”

Landing Strip

How I explained it:

Just a strip of hair down the front.

Mom says:“Having to point out where the entry is seems a little odd to me.”

Vajazzle

How I explained it:

Shaving off the pubes and gluing rhinestones to your mons.

Mom says:

“Back in the hippie days, we just put a little glitter and we left the pubes where they were.”

Oh my God. Can you imagine how long it would take to get glitter out of your pubes?

“Wouldn’t that sort of get in the way when you tried to have sex? Like, the rhinestones are stuck to them? I think that almost sound sadistic, like you’re trying to cut somebody up there.”

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