These 'Fuller House' Casting Rumors Are Major

When you're lost out there and you're all alone, I've got some Fuller House casting rumors to carry you home. In fact — they're everywhere you look! It was recently announced that '90s mega-hit Full House is receiving the Netflix treatment with a 13-episode sequel series called Fuller House. And now, TV Line is reporting on what appears to be Fuller House character breakdowns for the new batch of kids that the show will focus on, alongside the OG Full House members already confirmed to be starring in the series.

What we knew already was that Fuller House would focus on Tanner siblings DJ and Stephanie, along with quirky family friend (most of the time), Kimmy Gibbler. According to the plot synopsis described by John Stamos — who is heavily involved with the fact that Fuller House is even happening — the show will see pregnant and recently widowed DJ moving in to Stephanie's house with her two kids, and Kimmy will be along for the ride in some capacity. So far, however, there has been no word on what kind of characters the children will be... until now.

TV Line alleges to have obtained character breakdowns for each of the kids. The first is for DJ's 12/13-year-old son Jesse Daniel (aka "JD"), described as a "'ladies’ man' with three girlfriends." Also, apparently he's a musician "and rides bikes, just like his [Great] Uncle Jesse." The second is 6/7-year-old Max, who sounds a lot like the new Michelle, if Michelle was into cleaning as much as her father Danny was — in other words, he's a "tech geek" who likes a clean house. The last is 12/13-year-old Ramona, who TV Line assumes is Kimmy's daughter: She's bi-racial, "smart, but not into school," and obsessed with super savvy teen things like "social media" and "taking pictures." I think she's supposed to be the cool, modern one, particularly since the breakdown says she "considers living with the 'white-bread Tanners' to be 'totally lame.'" (Honestly, she's already my favorite.)

So, if these alleged character breakdowns are the real deal, what does it mean we can expect from this new batch of TV kids? 2015 presents a whole new batch of challenges than 1987! So, of course, in lieu of waiting impatiently for this show to finally premiere on Netflix, I thought it'd be fun to imagine these hip youngsters reliving the experiences of their parents — with modern twists:

All The Kids Get Sick, a la "A Pox In The House" (Season 1, Episode 15)

Since chicken pox has been mostly vaccinated out of the population, I doubt we'll revisit the same disease (plus — obvi — DJ and Stephanie already had it)!

The 2015 Scenario: "Ladies' man" JD catches pink eye from one of his ladies. Once the pink-eye spreads to his other girlfriends, they figure out that this 13-year-old Casanova has been cheating on all of them. When he finally looks to his family for solace, they have very little sympathy because — plot twist — he gave them pink eye, too! DJ explains that while they still love him, he needs to do some soul-searching about the way he treats others... and himself.

Uncle Jesse Performs At A School Event Where The Students Have Illegal Substances, a la "Just Say No Way" (Season 3, Episode 21)

DJ knew before all of us that you didn't need alcohol to be cool. When her date brought beer to the school dance, shenanigans ensued, lessons were learned, and poor Uncle Jesse was laughed off the stage.

The 2015 Scenario: The principal asks now-famous rock star Uncle Jesse to perform at the dance on the same day that Blaine — the COOLEST BOY IN SCHOOL, OMG — asks Ramona to be his date. She's mortified when she finds out her lame (sort of) uncle will be performing at the dance, but Jesse sees it as his chance to reconnect with the young people. Unfortunately, young people are awful, and Blaine ends up spiking the punch with vodka he stole from his parents' liquor cabinet (kids never change). Ramona realizes this before she has any — but not before she's able to warn others. The next day she has to tell Uncle Jesse (who thinks he put on an AMAZING show because of the crowd's vibe) that the crowd was really drunk. Blaine is suspended, and Uncle Jesse realizes what everyone means when they say history repeats itself.

One Of The Kids Joins A Band, Gets Lost In The Rock-And-Roll Lifestyle, And Learns A Lesson The Importance Of Hard Work And Actually Rehearsing (Season 8, Episode 18)

Stephanie just didn't see the signs...

The 2015 Scenario: JD starts a rap group in the style of Hoodie Allen, performs at a school assembly, and become immensely popular. Soon, they're performing at birthday parties and bar mitzvahs throughout the San Francisco area. Stephanie tries to warn JD about the dangers of fame (she has been through it, after all), but JD's head gets too big, and the group falls apart after a week. Stephanie takes the opportunity teach her nephew about the dangers of being a poser.

The Kids Do Something Stupid To Their Bodies, a la "I'm Not A D.J." (Season 6, Episode 10)

Oh, Stephanie, remember when you tried to pierce your own ears? Kids did the darndest things back in the '90s; just imagine what these little youngsters could come up with today!

The Scenario: Tired of her cookie-cutter family, Ramona looks for a new way to rebel. One day after school, she Googles "how to give yourself a tattoo" and — thinking she's home alone — proceeds to do so. (Hey, Jemima Kirke does it, it can't be too difficult, right?) Little does she know that precocious clean-freak Max is home, and boy is he upset when he sees what she's up to! Not only is she making a mess... but she's doing it wrong! Max watches the YouTube guide for himself, follows the instructions perfectly, and gives Ramona a tattoo in the shape of a dolphin on her wrist. Once Kimmy gets home, though, all bets are off — Kimmy freaks out, grounds Ramona for two months, and garnishes her allowance to pay for a non-surgical tattoo removal. Precocious Max says his catch phrase (not "you got it, dude," but something equally similar and adorable), and gets off with a slap on the wrist.

Image: ABC