7 Absurd Hillary Clinton Conspiracy Theories That Might Make Her Press Silence Less Surprising

Former U.S. Secretary of State and 2016 presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton is continuing to annoy right-wing politicians and reporters everywhere by refusing to speak to the press. Clinton has refused to talk to reporters for so long that The Washington Post has started a silly clock that counts the minutes since she last answered a press question, and at the time this article was written, it read 30,232.5 minutes (almost 21 days). But, when you do some research on some of the truly absurd things that people have said about Clinton and husband and former President Bill Clinton, her silence makes a lot of sense.

Specifically, there are embarrassingly long lists of conspiracy theories about Hillary — speculation about her marriage to Bill, theories about her faking concussions, and weird allegations that she killed a cat, according to Mother Jones. Some of them are so crazy, and also recent, that it's no wonder Hillary is going on the DL for a while.

Regardless of how funny some of them are, it has to get really old to be constantly affronted by conspiracies about how you retained your position. (There's the obvious question, would people be questioning her so much if she wasn't a woman?) For example, Peter Schweizer, a writer and political consultant who, according to Media Matters, allegedly made a number of errors in reporting on President Barack Obama, just released a book about the Clintons. Clinton Cash: The Untold Story of How and Why Foreign Governments and Businesses Helped Make Bill and Hillary Rich, came out May 5, and was dubbed an "absurd conspiracy theory" and "partisan-fueled fiction" by Hillary spokesman Brian Fallon, according to CNN. Check out some of the strangest conspiracies about Hillary and Bill below.

Hillary Faked The Flu, A Concussion, AND A Blood Clot

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In December 2012, Hillary was called to testify in two Congressional committees holding hearings on the deaths of four Americans during the attacks on Benghazi, according to AlterNet. But Hillary canceled testifying because she said she had become dehydrated from the flu, fainted, and hit her head, which gave her a concussion. She wasn't allowed to fly for three weeks.

The incident became a free-for-all on Fox News, where John Bolton, the former Bush administration ambassador to the United Nations, and contributors Monica Crowley and Megyn Kelly all speculated that she could be faking the flu and the concussion to delay her testimony, according to AlterNet.

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Wait, it gets better: Two weeks later, Hillary was hospitalized for a blood clot related to her fall, and Glenn Beck said it must be another fake ailment to keep her from testifying. Then, according to Mother Jones, he said:

If she really had some weird thing in the hospital, then it should prohibit her from ever becoming president.

The Clintons Are Responsible For A Lot of Deaths

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Some Clinton conspiracy theorists say that former Bill Clinton White House chief of staff Vince Foster didn't commit suicide in 1993 in Virginia's Fort Marcy Park, despite the fact that three separate investigations ruled his death a suicide. Rather, some theories allege that Hillary was having an affair with Foster, so someone in the White House had him killed. According to Mother Jones, former Rep. Dan Burton, a Republican from Indiana, was so committed to this idea that he apparently shot a watermelon or a pumpkin to prove that Foster was shot by someone else. This is one of the first deaths in the mysterious Clinton Body Count, an ongoing theory that alleges the Clintons have been associated with more than 90 deaths! *Plays dramatic music*

Hillary Killed An Aide's Cat To Protect Bill

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Unfortunately, theorists don't just think the Clintons hired a team of henchmen to kill off people who could threaten their reign. They also believe that Hillary devised the purr-fect plan to kill someone's cat. Former Bill Clinton aide Kathleen Willey alleged that after her cat went missing, a suspicious-looking jogger told her to "watch what she said." Willey's name surfaced when former Arkansas employee Paula Jones sued Bill for sexual harassment. Willey was a possible witness in the case because she also alleged that Bill hit on her, so she believes the Clintons arranged to have her cat assassinated. In Hillary: The Movie, a "documentary" created by conservative political group Citizens United, Willey says she got an anonymous phone call taunting her about her missing cat, according to Mother Jones. The next day, a cat's skull allegedly appeared on her porch.

Hillary Is Actually A Lesbian

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Edward Klein, author of The Truth About Hillary: What She Knew, When She Knew It, and How Far She'll Go to Become President, alleged that Hillary was a lesbian during her time at Wellesley College, and that she married Bill to cover up the truth. The National Enquirer took a bit further: The magazine alleged that Hillary didn't care about the thousands of personal emails that she deleted during her time as Secretary of State because they held secrets about Benghazi. In reality, they say, she was afraid of them being opened because they contained all the names of her lesbian lovers!

Hillary Likes To Get Kinky Around Christmas

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Hillary allegedly decorated the White House Christmas tree with condoms and cock rings, and all of the lords-a-leapin' with erect penises, according to former FBI agent Gary Aldrich, who Mother Jones called "disgruntled." Aldrich detailed events like this one in his book Unlimited Access. Texas activist "Doc Marquis" later claimed that the events were "proof positive that Hillary Clinton is a power, practicing witch," according to Mother Jones.

Hillary Is Not Just A Lesbian, She's Sleeping With A Muslim Woman

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Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh alleged that Hillary was sleeping with one of her key advisers, Huma Abedin, the wife of former Rep. Anthony Weiner, a Democrat from New York who stepped down after a sexting scandal in 2011. He alleged that the two women have close ties to the ladies' auxiliary of the Muslim Brotherhood. Hillary and Abedin have apparently worked together closely since Abedin interned at the White House in 1996. Limbaugh said it only makes sense, logically:

Huma's mom is best friends with the new so-called first lady of Egypt, who is also a member of the Sisterhood. Folks, it's Peyton Place — it's too much to keep up with.

Hillary Actually Isn't Human At All

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David Icke is the creator of the "reptoid hypothesis," which says that our leaders are made up of "blood-drinking, flesh-eating, shape-shifting extraterrestrial reptilian humanoids with only one objective in their cold-blooded little heads: to enslave the human race," according to TIME. Icke claims that the reptile-people have controlled humans since ancient times. Some of the most notable reptiles that apparently live among us include Queen Elizabeth, George W. Bush, Henry Kissinger, Bill and Hillary Clinton, and Bob Hope.

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