How To Marry Prince Harry Now That He's Ready To Start A Family: A Step-By-Step Guide
I'm not one to tell British royalty how to rule, but Prince Harry up and made a huge mistake the other day, and I can't stay quiet about it any longer: he told the general public that Prince Harry wants to have kids. Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with starting a family; after all, Harry is 30 years old and was just made an uncle for the second time by the birth of Princess Charlotte, Prince William's daughter with Kate Middleton, so I can understand why it would be on his mind. The part I don't understand is how Harry thought he could get away with talking about his biological clock out loud without thousands of women showing up at his door and pressing their faces against his window, screaming "I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE!!!!" Seriously, people are volunteering to have Prince Harry's babies.
But either he's not worried about it, or he's underestimating the effect he has on women, because here's what he said to Sky News about being ready to start building his royal baby soccer team... like yesterday:
Of course I'd love to have kids right now, but there's a process that one has to go through. Hopefully I'm doing all right by myself, it would be great to have someone else next to me to share the pressure. But the time will come. Whatever happens happens, I guess.
Fly, you fool! Save yourself! THEY'RE COMING. In the meantime, I'll try to hold them off here by pointing out to the hordes that Prince Harry said "there's a process." And he's not just talking about P in V — there's actually an official step-by-step process you can go through to meet and marry Captain Wales (legit what he goes by in the military, help I'm in love). And here it is now! Happy hunting.
Buy A Plane Ticket To London
Very important. You'd be amazed how many people skip this step, and then can't figure out why they weren't able to ensnare the Prince. IF HE CAN'T SEE YOU, HE CAN'T LOVE YOU.
Don A Disguise
If history is any indication, dudes can't help but fall in love with ladies in fake mustaches.
Get A Job In Kensington Palace
Probably best to try being a maid or a janitor or a nanny. Or, if you have a degree, coding or something. I don't know, it's your life.
Sear Yourself Into Prince Harry's Mind
The best way to do this is by starting a little ritual with him. Maybe you do a fun whistle every time he comes in the room, or a way-too-deep curtsy, or a cool handshake without touching, since that's Not Allowed. Whatever it is, you must do it every time you see him, without fail.
Disappear One Day
After you've imprinted yourself and your weird thing onto Prince Harry's mind, vanish one day without warning. Like a Pavlovian dog, Prince Harry will notice the absence of the activity and start to salivate, drooling all over himself as he says, "Wait, where is...?" and then realize he doesn't know your name.
Wait For Him To Come Find You With A Glass Slipper
Oh my god did, you not leave your glass effing shoe at the palace? Did I forget to tell you to do that? Whoops.
Pull Off Your Disguise In One Swift Movement
Be careful not to rip out any of those downy hairs on your upper lip. Also, this is all ruined, so just leave your mustache on, if you want.
He Will Put The Slipper Your Foot
No, he won't because you forgot to leave the slipper. Oh my god, this is a nightmare.
He Will Propose
Except for the fact that he's already proposed to me, of course.
You Will Live Happily Ever After
I love you, Prince Harry. Please call me, I'm in London for four more days because my return flight was non-refundable. I mean, uh. Nothing.
Images: Giphy (10)