Nope. Andy Won't Host This 'Housewives' Reunion

The Real Housewives of Melbourne reunion may be similar to the Housewives series filmed in the USA, but there's one notable difference, and that's the man sitting in the middle of the ladies and asking the questions. But who is Real Housewives Of Melbourne reunion host Alex Perry? One thing he isn't — Andy Cohen, whose absence was strongly felt in the Season 1 reunion. But Perry has other qualifications that aren't limited to working on Bravo, and actually raise the question... why on earth is this guy their newest reunion host?

Perry's day job is working as a designer in Australia. Well, not just any designer — his website calls him "Undoubtedly Australia's premier couturier," or maker of custom-sewn couture clothing. His works have been featured in dozens of magazines and earned Perry as position as judge on Australia's Next Top Model. So Perry certainly doesn't need to prove anything to anyone. And he's not treating the gig with kid gloves, either. Perry's been openly critical of the Housewives franchise, saying in an interview on Today , an Australian daytime talk show, that it's inappropriate for young girls because it promotes bullying and "b**chy behavior." I don't really agree with his phrasing, but he's willing to criticize how the series glorifies putting women together and watching them fight over perceived indiscretions.

But there's plenty that Perry could learn about being a host from Andy Cohen before he sits down for the next Melbourne reunion. After all, Andy has made an entire career out of this — before Housewives, he was just another network executive programming Project Runway and Top Chef reruns.

1. The Art Of Wasting Time

Try individually greeting each cast member as slowly as possible. Perry did a version of this, but got through it at far too reasonable of a rate. You need to make the audience beg for death with how long this is taking.

2. Immediately Backing Down

Worried you might actually push one of the stars on the show to reveal something candid? Don't be, by asking literally no followup questions and just responding to every open door to further prodding with a pause and an "OK."

3. Comment On Boobs, Wigs, And Shoes With An Almost Morbid Fascination

The key here is to not make these sexual comments. It has to be purely anthropological, like a curious scientist in the wild.

4. React With Gaping Disbelief To Everything

When Andy is watching two 'wives argue, you'd think he was watching Billie Jean King fend off Serena Williams with the level of shock and glee on his face. That excitement helps the audience forget that we've seen this fight dozens of times over the course of the season.

5. Make Jokes That Are As Corny As Possible

I mean, you gotta make the ladies sound clever.

6. Complain About Volume

I'm sure it's hard to have all these ladies competing for the floor at the same time, yelling over one another, but Andy milks that for all it's worth.

7. And, Most Importantly: Keep Your Mouth Shut

You'll never really catch Andy taking sides, even though it's plain on his face when he doesn't agree with what one of the ladies has said. But you can't quote an eyeroll, so if Perry wants to be anything like Cohen — and who knows if that's an ambition of his — he'll have to let his face do more of the talking on this year's Real Housewives of Melbourne reunion.

Image: Martin Philbey/Bravo; Giphy (7)