Gather round, sisters, I have some complicated news. It seems that your favorite cult flick about '90s teen witches, The Craft, is getting a reboot. You're either thanking the cinema goddesses or cursing the Hollywood powers that be, but, either way, it's doubtful we can just make this revival go "poof." So we might as well lean into this development, and start conceptualizing our own Craft dream cast. Well, "dream cast" might be a strong word, because I am deadly afraid of tampering with this gem, and am TERRIBLY uninformed about the current roster of teen actresses.
When the Jem and the Holograms trailer came out, I had this overwhelming feeling of "Who ARE these children?" So, I'm doing this more out of a generalized curiosity than out of a desire to see kids born after 1996 tamper with a film that has being from 1996 as its main appeal. And, honestly, who can come close to Fairuza Balk as Nancy?
But, inevitably, it must be done, so let's make some magic. If push comes to shove, here's a handful of actresses I think could make the coven. Oh, and Lorde can obviously do a cover of Love Spit Love's cover of The Smiths' "How Soon is Now." Obviously.
Honestly, Kiernan Shipka is gonna have a lot of free time after Mad Men ends next week, so I'd throw a script her way, see if she could work as the group's natural witch and lead protagonist. She's proven that she can handle dark subject matter while clawing awkwardly towards womanhood. Remember when she got her first period on her non-date with Creepy Glen? Adorbs. Having her front a movie would be an ambitious next step, but I'd want to see what happens.
Alternately: We all know Chloe Grace Moretz could do this role, having already dealt with telepathic powers in the Carrie remake, but honestly? I just think someone else should take the spotlight.
It's hard to mess with perfection, and even harder to find a young actress that could find the right blend of charismatic and psychotic. Truth be told, it may be an impossible task. However, if Taylor Momsen is done with that whole metal band thing, I think she'd come out of "retirement" for this role. It's the kind of thing she'd love to sink her long black talons in. Whether the former Miss Jenny Humphrey can take it on is a whole story all together.
Alternately: If we just want to commit to jumping the shark, just full on ride that shark all the way to the bank, let's just cast Miley Cyrus right now and get it over with.
Originally I thought Lucy Hale could fit in here, but then I was like, "And pretend she's not gorgeous for the first half of the film? Not with those eyebrows." And Shailene Woodley would KILL it, but, when you're the lead actress in a film adaptation of a YA bestseller, you can't just play third fiddle in an ensemble cast.
But Ariel Winter, you know, Alex Dunphy in Modern Family... that could be worth a shot. It's all about balancing the insecurity of having a hot sister versus the superiority of being the smart sister. Plus, you brush her hair out of her face, throw on some make-up, and she's absolutely darling.
Alternately: The thing is we could give this to Mae Whitman but, like, isn't she nearing 30 right now, or has she just been 16 for the past ten years?
Zendaya Coleman is a Disney star that's exiting out of adolescence, and that's a VERY scary place to be in. Nobody wants to catch Britney Spears syndrome... or Lindsay Lohan syndrome... and so on. Her next career move is important.
The Craft is not Disney fare, but there's potential here. Rochelle's primary storyline is to get back at racist Laura Lizzie's comments about her hair, and Coleman pretty much derailed Fashion Police after a misplaced Giuliana Rancic comment. So she has the inspiration, and the power, to carry this role.
Alternately: We could just recast using the main four students from American Horror Story: Coven, let's be real.
Images: Giphy (9)