Hey ‘American Horror Story,’ Evan Peters Is Missing And You Don’t Seem To Care
The enigma wrapped in witch hats, dusted with zombies with a sprinkle of sulfuric acid on top also known as American Horror Story: Coven gives us many reasons to go "huh?" And most of the time, our dumbfounded reactions are exactly what the writers want. Zoe kills people with her lady parts – huh? Someone threw acid in Cordelia's face at a bar for almost no reason – no way. Spalding is keeping Emma Roberts’ dead body in a box in the attic – what the hell is going on? But there's a far less calculated problem this week and it's that no one seems to care that Evan Peter's murderous, uncontrollable Franken-Kyle is running around New Orleans without his woobie, Zoe. Can someone please at least acknowledge this clearly glaring issue?
Last we saw Kyle, he was still covered in his disgusting mother’s blood, banging his head against the old fashioned bathtub in his childhood home. Zoe hopped up to make him some tuna fish with a side of rat poison and poof, the lumbering half-wit managed to sneak out right under her nose. She managed to stand outside and gape at the wealth of trick-or-treaters and complete lack of Evan Peters, but manages to find getting home to a house overrun by zombies much more pressing.
Yes, for the narrative, we needed to get Zoe (Taissa Farmiga) back to the house so she could go all badass witch and slay zombies with a chainsaw before using her magic to expel Marie Leveau’s commanding spirit from the remaining aggressor. I’ll accept that. And there was a lot to take in when Fiona (Jessica Lange) burned Myrtle at the stake near the end of the episode. Zoe was amply distracted, I get it. But that doesn’t mean the rest of us aren’t sitting on our sofas wondering where the hell the slap-happy monster Zoe created is and what exactly he’s meant to do in this ever-changing landscape.
After making such a big deal about Zoe’s connection to Kyle and her ability to bring Kyle to life and Kyle’s dumb affection for his creator, what exactly is the point of this story? Is he just here to show us that Zoe cares about people and wants to help them, even if she clearly has no idea what they actually need? Is Kyle just another young man’s life among the others that she’s ended? We’ve got a few theories about where Kyle might be hiding.
It is the only other place he really knows in his short, dumb life. He didn’t exactly seem to love hanging out with Misty, who laid next to him and caressed him (probably not unlike his terrifying mother according to his very simple mind), but he didn’t scream and yell at her or try to bash her head in, so that’s something. Plus, that would be a surefire way to ensure that Misty and Zoe come back into contact, which is pretty essential now that Zoe is proving she’s one powerful witch. (It’s also nice to think that Kyle isn’t running around killing people, which is really the likeliest of situations.)
Where would a stumbling, hulking, grunting college kid with stuff all over his face fit in just fine – no questions asked? The French Quarter’s infamous Bourbon Street. Why’s that guy stumbling? Hand grenades, man. They’ll get you every time. But he’s grunting? Seriously, dude. Have you ever even had a hand grenade? But he’s covered in blood. Nah, man. That’s just a few spilled hurricanes from Pat O’Brien’s. He’s yelling sounds at random people? Dude, grain alcohol is legal here and some guy handed me a blended drink on the street at 10 AM this morning. It’s fine.
I mean, just look at the place:
Okay, so that’s probably not where he is, but I’m going to just keep on believing our mentally-deficient friend took a detour down that famously vomit-soaked thoroughfare.
IN JAIL AS JOHN DOE
If the cops saw him wandering around his neighborhood on Halloween – also known as Christmas for cops with a quota to fill – covered in blood and stumbling, do you really think they wouldn’t have arrested him? They’d even need to do that cool thing that happens in every cop show ever: call for backup. We’d never see the arrest part on TV, but we could remain satisfied with the fact that some fictional cop in fake New Orleans was really fake pleased with himself. I’ll bet he’d even take his fake wife and fake kids out for a fake dinner at Antoine’s famous restaurant to celebrate.
WE’LL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE HE’LL JUST SHOW UP ON ZOE’S DOORSTEP
After all, we know Kyle’s plot isn’t really about Kyle. The guy doesn’t even have a personality. It’s entirely about Zoe and her emotional growth and misguided, yet sweet intentions. Besides, weird creatures just love showing up on the steps of Miss Robichaux’s School for Girls. First a Minotaur, then Patti LuPone’s angry church lady, next zombies. Why not a Franken-Frat Bro, too?