'San Andreas' Pits The Rock Against Earthquakes & The Puns Basically Write Themselves At This Point
There are usually a few wildcards among the slew of summer blockbusters, and, while we've been feeding our dollars to Marvel superheroes and prepping to give ourselves to a buff Chris Pratt, we've been overlooking something hugely important. That is, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is starring in a movie about earthquakes. No, Furious 7 doesn't have earthquakes (to my knowledge), I'm talking about Johnson's new film San Andreas .
From what I can gather from the trailer, the film features The Rock saving his estranged wife and daughter from a monumental disaster... so basically San Andreas is Sharknado sans that sharknado. Inevitably, a whole bunch of people are going to die a horrific death in a cataclysmic event that will alter the world forever. And it's just like, idk, California, I think that's what happens when you build a civilization on a ticking time bomb. Does NOBODY remember Pompeii?
But, among all this death and destruction, I think we can have some fun with this. Because let's get back to original point: The Rock is making a movie about tectonic plates. So here's just a smattering of pun-laden pieces of work that will make your dad cackle long and hard. Hard... like the Rock.
1. Dwayne Johnson usually showcases his musical abilities in film, do you think that in this one he'll be rocking out?
I mean, probably not. The world is going to be falling apart around him.
2. If the damage gets really bad, do you think that he'll end up relocating to Boulder, Colorado?
I guess that wouldn't be impossible, but any other city would pretty much be up for grabs, wouldn't it?
3. Do you think that this film will have the same seismic affect at the box office as Furious 7?
It could do well, but I doubt it'll really surpass Paul Walker's swan song. Let's be realistic now.
4. Don't those special affects from the trailer have you absolutely quaking in your boots?
Well, no, because, being Team East Coast Forever, my thoughts are always "Death to California." Also, I'm not wearing boots, let alone pants. Come on, guys, you know me better than that.
5. I'm guessing at the end of the film The Rock will realize that his estrangement from his wife and daughter is all his fault.
Because I know how every disaster movie ever goes, and that's like a consistent trope. It was in War of the Worlds, and it'll be in this.
6. All I'm thinking about is the sheer magnitude of people that will be filled with paranoia after seeing this.
That one... I'm sorry, that one really wasn't even much of a joke. It's been a long week, I've been fighting a cold, and I'm really not peak Mary Grace right now.
7. Maybe if the film does really well, it'll leave The Rock with an Oscar to put on his mantle.
Except... no, it's only like the third aggressively macho blockbuster of the season. Come on, guys.
Images: Giphy (7)