Reasons Why Bruce Willis Is The Sexiest Man Alive

I need to come out with something: I love Bruce Willis. Whenever I tell people this (aside from the one woman in the world who understands me, my wonderful editor, Jessica), they cock their head to the side and screw up their nose like they just smelled the ultimate ass water fart. "Really?" they ask, cringing away from the smell, "Like, REALLY?" Yes REALLY. And man, you should see how they react when I tell them my second choice is Tommy Lee Jones. The imaginary fart smell becomes lethal. (Editor's note: I cannot co-sign that second choice.)

My love of Bruce started when I was very young, probably when my single father (either irresponsibly or doing the best parenting on earth, depending on who you ask) let me (read: made me) watch Die Hard as a child. I fell instantly in love with Bruce Willis, and have since spent my life consuming his life's work as though it were the fifth element required to keep my world turning. Yes, even Hudson Hawk. And Striking Distance. AND MOONLIGHTING. Some of my non-critically acclaimed favorites include Tony Scott's The Last Boy Scout and also Last Man Standing, and I can never quite understand why no one else loves these films are much as I do. After all, they have the one thing required by law (and "by law" I mean "by me") to make a film good: me. Here's a non-exhaustive list of reasons why Bruce Willis is the sexiest man ever to live.

1. He's the greatest action hero alive, John McClane

2. That smirk

3. He makes hair loss look GOOD

4. He wears the suit, the suit does not wear him

5. He's on good terms with his ex-wife

6. He seems like a good dad, and is close/active in his daughters' lives

7. He plays music

8. He hates the media

9. He's an honest-to-goodness silver fox

10. Those piercing eyes

11. He's got a good sense of humor

12. And he's brooding too

13. I mean, look at him

14. JUST LOOK

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