What Your Favorite Christina Aguilera Says About You, From "Genie In A Bottle" XTina To 'The Voice' Xtina
It's no secret that we've seen many different sides of Christina Aguilera over the past two decades. Though my earliest memories of her involve lots of crop tops, orange cargo pants and rolling around in the sand, she actually really broke out on a Disney show, like nearly every pop starlet of our generation. From, there, her persona changed even more: she got down and dirty first, and attempted to bring back chaps — before going back to blonde with a commitment to the scarlet lip. Yes, there's many different sides to our girl Christina, but the question is, which one of the personas are YOU?
Well, luckily, I got you covered. After extensively (read: looking around on the Internet) tracking her career from the early '90s onward, I've developed a familiarity to Christina's different phases, and I can assign personality types to each one of those Christinas. For instance: Mouseketeer Christina is a liiiiiittle more innocent that dark-haired, chaps-wearing Xtina. Glam vintage Christina has more delusions of class than the modern Bionic version. And really none of them, rest assured, is much of a wallflower — so if you're a bit socially awkward and tend to cry while playing the piano, it's quite plausible you're more of a Fiona Apple (which is OK, because... same).
Anyway, here's the lowdown.
Mickey Mouse Club Christina
You are on the precipice of being totally and absolutely corrupted. You also play the Frozen soundtrack on your way to work. You also showed up to Frozen day at Barnes and Noble, and were the only 26 year old there... without a child. Your Tinder description says "young at heart," and you are — to the point where it's deeply worrisome.
"Genie In A Bottle" Baby Christina
When you were nine years old, you tried to use Clorox bleach to dye your hair platinum blonde. You still have a bald spot from that experience. Also, you insist on using AIM in 2015, even though your boss said Gchat is really more effective, like, six times now. You'll vouch to the end that Britney Spears is talentless... but have somehow never listened to music with real instruments. So.
Stripped & "Dirrty" Xtina
Your favorite place to hook up is the mens room at Chili's. You're a big hit at Staten Island bars.
"Lady Marmalade" Christina
You're not against wearing sparkly blue eyeshadow. You were the Regina George of your ninth grade friend group. You're in a love affair with hair spray, but your hair is so big because it's full of secrets (actually, wait, that was a Gretchen thing).
Nuevo-Glam Back To Basics Christina
You can ALMOST do a perfect matte lip without getting it smudged on your teeth. You always talk about how you feel like you were "supposed to be born in another era," — and nobody has the heart to tell you that the Marilyn Monroe never said that quote on your Twitter profile.
Bionic Badass Christina
Nobody had edgier GIFs on their LiveJournal than you did.
Actress/Burlesque Star Christina
You're really confused that after six years in LA, your Grey's Anatomy-themed burlesque troupe hasn't taken off.
The Voice Mentor Christina
You have bravely put behind your past as a superstar to teach kids how to play the xylophone at the YMCA. Nobody brings up that your "past as a super star" features a viral video of you getting shoes thrown at you during a cover of "Beautiful" at your high school talent show.
...you were really more of the Damien of ninth grade.
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