If you're a Millennial, chances are you're about to engage in some form of what the kids call "going out" tonight. You might be grabbing a low-key drink with your lover or tearing up the grungiest dance floor in town with a gaggle of crazed girlfriends, but either way, you'll be dressing up, you'll see and be seen, and you're sneaking out of work a little early.
I may not be the most prolific party-goer around, but what I lack in black tie invitations, I make up in ingenuity. When I go out, I don't want to just go out, I want it to be a creative and memorable night for both my friends and me. I also demand some form of glitter in all aspects of the night, and my ultimate goal in any form of entertaining is to earn the descriptor "Fitzgerald-esque." And anything goes tonight, baby, because it's...
1. Ditch the heels, put on the ratty Chucks. Ladies, I love heels with every crevice of my XX-chromosome heart. But when I'm going out — especially if I'm going dancing — I just cannot afford to be uncomfortable. I need to be able to dash from friend's house to bar to taco truck and back again, and I also need to be ready in case of spontaneous dance-offs. So I throw on my oldest and most beloved Converse and I never look back. Plus, in a crowded room, no one can actually see your feet.
2. Always wear something sequined. Show me a hideously sequin-encrusted vintage blazer and I'll show you next Friday night's outfit. It's a rule of physics that you cannot not have fun if you're glittering like an obnoxious star. Once a man leaned out of his car window and called, "Is that gold or silver?" I yelled back, "Both!"
3. Related: Always wear a conversation starter. A single fingerless glove? A flower crown? A controversial t-shirt? I'm in a relationship, so I'm not trying to attract swarms of eligible young bachelors, but in my experience, a weird clothing item will have people from all over the bar coming over to talk to you. People, especially people with vodka-tonics in hand, are really into saying things like, "I loooooove your snakeskin pants." And if one of those people happens to look like Chris Hemsworth, you're going to complain to me, are you?
4. Face paint. TRUST ME.
You can wear a classic "red lip" or you can paint an evil eye on your forehead. The choice is yours, young Ke$hawan.
5. Push your party themes to the next level. Do we really need to go over why you shouldn't throw a "CEOs and Corporate Hoes" party, Men of Sigma Chi? If there's one thing my friends and I are truly great at, it's coming up with bizarre party themes. People might be sick of Mad Men-themed soirees, but what about Fatalism? Fascist Prom? Night of a Thousand Cakes? Guests will appreciate your commitment to a creating good vibes, and they'll return your enthusiasm with their own.
6. Always start the night with a close friend. Every time I throw some sort of social gathering or plan to meet a large group of people at a pre-determined place, I get a little nervous. Call it the Friday Fear, but some weird source of social anxiety comes bubbling up within me, and the only solution is to ask a close girlfriend to come over before the rest of the hordes. Then you can fully indulge in girly clichés like applying makeup together or surreptitiously drinking wine on the sidewalk before heading in to the party. And if you didn't listen to my first point and wore those stilettos anyway, at least you'll have someone's arm to hobble along on.