Aziz Ansari Stand-Up Bits On Love That Are So True

by Tracy Dye

As an avid fan of Aziz Ansari's work — particularly his uproarious stand-up comedy specials — I was thrilled, elated, overjoyed, and a bunch of other synonyms that basically mean "YAS!" to hear that he will be releasing a book titled Modern Romance on June 16. Seriously, guys, that day can't come fast enough! Ansari collaborated with sociologist Eric Klinenberg to create a comprehensive look at the current pros and pitfalls of dating in today's technology- and Tinder-laden society. If Ansari's stand-up is any indication of what we have to look forward to with Modern Romance, it will be a work that is hilarious, full of painfully awkward situations, and — above all else — completely relatable.

I remember seeing Ansari perform in Washington, DC during his 2013 Buried Alive tour, and the crowd basically erupted every couple minutes due to his inimitable humor, with many of the jokes centering on the trials of modern love. Deft observation of romance is old hat for Ansari, however, as he's weaved many of his own personal experiences in the dating world into several of his comedy specials. In celebration of the upcoming book, Modern Romance, along with Ansari's unparalleled awesomeness, let's take a look at seven of the comedian's stand-up bits on modern love that are so true, it hurts.

"Marriage Is An Insane Proposal"

Finding a person you want to spend the rest of your life with is a beautiful thing, as is the celebration of said union through marriage. However, what if marriage wasn't commonplace in our society? Would the idea of a proposal ("I wanna keep hanging out with you until one of us dies.") along with having a cake wheeled in with two miniature people that sort of look like you and your bae seem a bit strange? Ansari explored this point in one of the most hilarious bits from his Buried Alive special.

"Dumb People At Bars"

In this bit, Ansari talks about "two types of guys" that go to bars — the nice, apprehensive guys and the...well...not so nice guys. Welcome to 90 percent of what I encounter at a bar on a Saturday night.

"Dick Pics"

The humor in this bit, sadly, is due to what has come to be a near-universal truth for women, myself included (ugh). Can someone explain to me when the whole "dick pic" thing became commonplace? And can this trend please cease and desist? Seriously, dude-who-shall-not-be-named, my iPhone has never fully recovered from that (non-)erogenous pic you decided to share with me. Why?!

"Texting With Girls"

As a serial texter, myself, I admit that I do love that the advent of the smartphone offered this convenient form of communication to be at our disposal. Still, it has its downsides, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. Why does five minutes of silence suddenly turn into a century when you're waiting for a response from someone you like? Ugh. Dating, amiright?

"Crush On A Waitress"

Sometimes the scariest part of dating is the approach. How do you tell someone you like them or ask them out when the fear of rejection can be so monumental? Apparently Ansari had this issue when interested in a waitress and, no, opening with the line, "Excuse me, miss, I'm on TV" wasn't a viable option.

"Meeting Your Future Wife At Bed, Bath & Beyond"

"The most casual of decisions had the most tremendous of consequences" when Ansari's friend serendipitously happened upon his wife at a Bed, Bath & Beyond after shopping for an item to unclog his toilet — to unclog his toilet! Is anyone else thinking of foregoing the "septic safe" toilet paper now in hopes of finding their destiny? I plan on conversing with my roommates about this ASAP.

"Mean Girl With Purse"

There's nothing worse than thinking things are going well with someone you just started talking to, only to get the cold shoulder and an eye-roll the minute one of their friends appears. Ansari gets revenge, however, in the hilarious punchline to this bit. Note: It's a joke, guys, please don't actually steal someone's purse.