There is a part of me that wants to believe that reality shows are 100 percent real. I know this is a naive, romantic view of the world, but reality shows are my Santa Claus. I cling to what I can. Speaking of Santa Claus, HE'S GETTING A REALITY SHOW! Ha-ha, April in November Fools! Santa isn't getting his own show. However, the family that sold their bras for charity will give us a Christmas special. YES. The Kardashians: A Very Merry Christmas trailer popped up online today. DOUBLE YES.
Said Christmas special taped back in September. I tried to mentally block that detail for as long as I could but I guess it's time to accept what's what. A reality show holiday special was taped months ago. They were pretending to celebrate Xmas when it was hot as piss in Los Angeles. They didn't wake up from their respective bedrooms and guest rooms, rub the sleep from their eyes, and stumble down to the cozy living room in their coordinating pajamas to film this special. All of it was staged. All of it. This is like finding out Santa doesn't exist all over again, even though you suspected it all along.
Sure, the special is A TOTAL LIE, but there are some noteworthy moments in the preview. The following are the best moments of the 30-second teaser:
0:01: Bruce screams "Jingle Bells" at the family. Bruce, I admire your commitment to your personal brand.
0:01: The look Kris gives us when Bruce screams "Jingle Bells" at the family. Oh, Kris. Your face couldn't scream "WE'RE SEPARATED. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO ENDURE THIS" any louder. (Perhaps I'm reading into that look. Kris and Bruce claim to be doing better than ever. Hmm. I remain skeptical.)
0:04: Fire place a-cracklin', a nutcracker, and Christmas cookies. Too much red and green in this fake living room. Not enough black lacquer, rhinestones, or white decor. How am I supposed to buy the illusion that this is the Kardashian family's Christmas get-together if it looks like a standard-ass living room?!?! There is NOTHING standard about a Kardashian living room.
0:07: Kourtney unwraps a present and screams "YES!" Kourtney never shows this level of excitement. I'm dying to know what it is. I will tune in for that alone. (Ugh, you're right. I'll tune in because I am obsessed with the Kardashians.)
0:08: Bruce passes out on the couch. How long did the shoot take? 15 hours? Did Bruce really get tuckered out from the day of filming, or did someone tell him that falling asleep in the middle of a gift exchange is something that normal people do?
0:09: Kylie strokes Bruce's face while he's passed out on the couch. NOPE NOPE NOPE. Is it over? Can I open my eyes now?
0:11: Kendall refuses to smile with teeth. What a TEEN! Love it.
0:16: After watching an old home movie of Kourtney, Scott says her bowl cut looks like a "Portobello mushroom." He could've been lewd, but he referenced a food item instead. Way to keep things decent on not-Christmas, Scott! Also, little Kourtney's bowl cut is awesome.
0:19: Kourtney is dancing and smiling about whatever gift she unwrapped. Seriously, what the crap is that gift?
0:20: Rob says "oh my gosh" as he reads a business card-sized piece of paper. I assume it's a gift card. No one can be bothered to go pick out a present for Rob. Grocery store gift card end cap it is!
0:24-0:28: Kourtney, Kim, and Khloe pose, shift back and forth, and smile. It's so awkward. No one looks like they know what to do. I don't understand it. It's as if they forgot how to be Kardashians.
As fake as it may be, I'll watch not-Khristmas when it airs Dec. 1. I'll have a cup of hot chocolate to get into the spirit. Or maybe I'll have an ice-cold tropical smoothie to get into the not-spirit.