51 Thoughts Janet Jackson’s “If” Music Video Leaves You With, Other Than “Wow, I Want A Bone-Covered Cropped Vest Now”
On last Sunday's Keeping Up With the Kardashians midseason finale, Kim Kardashian waxed nostalgic about the time she played Pictionary with the Jackson family—yes, THE Jackson family—and misread the word "angle." Kardashian mentioned Janet Jackson's name not once, but twice. Little did I know that that was a sign: Less than three days later, the news broke that this fall, Janet Jackson will release an album for the first time in seven years.
Upon reading this announcement, I celebrated the only way I know how: I revisited a bunch of Janet Jackson music videos. Do I have a favorite Miss Jackson (if you're nasty) vid? No way. They're all outstanding. On a scale of one to ten, every last one of her videos deserves a score of infinity.
That said, there was one video I did watch multiple times in a row. And that was the video for "If." "If", which appears on 1993 album janet., is an industrial-meets-new jack swing banger, and its video is the HEAT. Choreographed by Tina Landon and Janet, there is so much dancing and mayhem to be had throughout the vid. It's perfect.
Here are 51 thoughts I had while revisiting the iconic music video for "If":
- What are they watching on that TV?
- That face paint is minimalistic, albeit intimidating. Here for it.
- Excuse me, but how are the people coming down from the rafters supposed to land?
- Their feet and hands are bound together. Are they just going to crash on their backs?
- These brass finger claws are everything:<img src="http://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/51/d5d644f0-ed35-0132-ab19-0acd8dfea39d.gif?w=320"/>
- Well, the rafter people are up and dancing.
- I guess we'll never know how the rafter people escaped the ropes.
- 21 seconds in, and the choreo has commenced. Blessed be.
- Wait, where’s Janet?
- Ah, yes. If I remember correctly, she emerges out from behind those red curtains.
- JANET IS HERE.<img src="http://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/51/d5d3d9a0-ed35-0132-99e4-0e972b0ec8fd.gif?w=320"/>
- [Screams until vocal cords give out.]
- Janet is straight crushing this stage. This choreo is fiiiiiire.
- I’m not trying to start a fight with the fuzzy pink scrunchies from the “…Baby One More Time” music video, but that crop top that appears to be adorned with bird bones is the greatest music video costume item of all time.
- The audience is way too chill. If I was in that crowd, I’d be standing on top of my chair and shrieking.
- “Ugh, I guess I’ll stop staring at the water stains on the table for a second and pay attention to the concert":<img src="http://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/51/d5d1eee0-ed35-0132-99dd-0e972b0ec8fd.gif?w=320"/>
- Oh, man. This would totally be me in the crowd. Just feeling the music all by myself:<img src="http://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/51/d5d0a6a0-ed35-0132-ab14-0acd8dfea39d.gif?w=320"/>
- What sort of Stylus cane sorcery am I looking at?<img src="http://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/51/d5d09030-ed35-0132-ab1a-0acd8dfea39d.gif?w=320"/>
- Everyone be quiet. The first chorus is here.
- I just gasped at how fierce these three ladies are:<img src="http://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/51/d5c2d730-ed35-0132-99df-0e972b0ec8fd.gif?w=320"/>
- They are just SAUNTERING through the club.
- If they bottled and sold their coolness, I’d buy it.
- Janet has to be one of the top 5 best dancers in pop music, right?
- Like, I’m sweating right now and we haven’t even reached the big dance break down.
- Wait, why is everyone watching this performance via TV?
- Was the club at capacity or something?
- I would think the three cool ladies would have no trouble nabbing a table in front of the stage.
- THAT TV IS CONTROLLED BY FEET? That TV is not for me.
- Oh, someone’s about to hoooook uuuuup!
- Here we go. The dance breakdown is about to happen.
- I can sense it.
- [Fans self preemptively.] AUGHHHHHH.
- Janet’s about to slay everyone in sight and I am READY.
- HERE IT GOES.<img src="http://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/51/d5c12720-ed35-0132-99e2-0e972b0ec8fd.gif?w=320"/>
- [Attempts to do arm swing moves along with the video.] It's so haaaaaard.
- Worthy.<img src="http://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/51/d5bfebf0-ed35-0132-99df-0e972b0ec8fd.gif?w=320"/>
- It’s my life’s mission to be able to do the "If" dance break choreo without flaw.
- I wish the vid would stop cutting to that back tattoo. As beautiful as that tat is, I just want to watch the dancing.
- This video is still going strong and I couldn’t be more pleased.
- Janet is everything:<img src="http://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/51/d5c0c740-ed35-0132-ab15-0acd8dfea39d.gif?w=320"/>
- Ah, I see. Lots of people getting their hook up on in this club.
- That belt buckle grab, though:<img src="http://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/51/d5c10530-ed35-0132-ab16-0acd8dfea39d.gif?w=320"/>
- Always love a good second position plié:<img src="http://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/51/d5c049a0-ed35-0132-99de-0e972b0ec8fd.gif?w=320"/>
- Oh, no.
- Is it really over?
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Wait, what's this?<img src="http://lovelace-media.imgix.net/uploads/51/14cfc640-ed39-0132-ab17-0acd8dfea39d.png?w=320"/>
- Why yes, as a matter of fact I would love to watch one of Janet's VMA performances.
- Thanks for the excellent and thoughtful suggestion, YouTube!
Images: Janet Jackson/YouTube (12); Kristie Rohwedder/Bustle (11)