If The 2016 Election Was A Season Of 'The Bachelor', Well, The First Rose Ceremony Would Be Fascinating
So far, Republican Senator Lindsey Graham may be the only bachelor running in the 2016 election, but all the candidates are looking for love (and votes). As they stare into the camera, they earnestly assure us that they are here for all the right reasons, and that they truly are POTUS material. And through trial and tribulation, they stay focused because they're not here to make friends. When you think about it, the 2016 election is a lot like a season of The Bachelor.
Contestants on The Bachelor spend all season campaigning and selling themselves. They are PR machines, working within a short time span to become intimate and close with the object of their affection. With so many other competitors, time is essential, and getting your message and ideas out quickly and effectively is key. The field seems to be narrowing constantly, until it all comes down to two, and the nation is split on who they prefer. It's actually a little mind boggling that a former politician has never been on The Bachelor.
Imagine for a moment the most entertaining season of ABC's smash success show ever, featuring a cast entirely composed of the 2016 presidential candidates, all vying for the nation's hand in presidency.
We imagine the season would go something like this:
The Limo Night
First impressions are everything, and like a campaign announcement, limo night is how the candidate introduces themselves to the world and their intended. Marco Rubio gains attention as the one with a schtick entrance when he comes prepared with Game of Thrones props in an attempt to win the "hip" youth vote.
The First Rose Ceremony
Hearts are broken as the first of the candidates begin to be eliminated. Rand Paul in particular is loathe to go, and when asked by producers how he feels, he only responds, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no."
The Boxing Date
With ISIS looming as an ever present threat and Putin stepping on toes, the nation is looking for a president with strong foreign relations skills who's willing to stand up and protect the country. The candidates are thrown into the ring in an attempt to separate the Hawks from the Doves. ABC pits Hillary Clinton against Democratic Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders. In a surprising move, Clinton pulls a 2002 Iraq war throwback, votes yes, and knocks the socialist candidate out of the war room.
The Education Challenge
Like current Bachelorette Kaitlyn, it's important to the U.S. that the next Commander-in-Chief know their way around important issues. We don't mean the birds and the bees — we mean student loans. In this challenge, candidates are required to stand in front of newly registered 18-year-old voters and explain how to file for student loans and fill out a FAFSA form, all while vying for a vote. Rick Perry requested to phone a friend, but unfortunately Jesus could not be reached to help him out.
The Mid-Season Switch Up
After weeks of grueling competition, the candidates are thrown through a loop when Jeb Bush finally joins the race, and shoots to the top of the favorites list. "It's not fair," says Ted Cruz in a private interview. "I was here first."
The Sudden Departure
The candidates are shocked when dark-horse favorite Dr. Ben Carson unexpectedly leaves the race after being asked to compose and sing an original patriotic song. "Not even a brain transplant could fix this electorate," he says as he drops the mic and strolls out of the country-western bar. "I'm too smart for this."
"I have an MBA and a degree in Medieval History, but you don't see me acting like I'm better than everyone else," says Carly Fiorina.
The Shocking 4-Part Finale
Finally the contestants are narrowed down to two, and in the most shocking Bachelor finale ever, the nation is split between Hillary Clinton and unexpected front-runner Scott Walker. Chris Harrison stalls for four episodes as the candidates request several recounts. The season is left on a "to be continued."