There are a lot of questions on Orange Is The New Black fans' minds as the Season 3 premieres. Is Brook Soso going to transform from most annoying new character ever to honest-to-goodness real human being? What's going to happen with Daya and Officer Bennett? When are we going to learn more about Big Boo? And what will the show be like sans Larry Bloom? See what I mean? Lots of questions to be (hopefully) answered, and that's barely the tip of the iceberg. But perhaps the biggest question of all is this: Will Piper and Alex get back together now that Alex is back in Litchfield? While you never really know what's going to happen with these two, I'm seriously hoping that they won't.
Now, I know you all are probably thinking, "Sara, why don't you want them back together? Do you not believe in love? While you're at it, do you also think Pornstache is the nicest security guard ever and also do you hate puppies and fun?" Well, the answers to all of those questions, in order, are Yes, I do believe in love; No, but I'm #TeamBennett all the way; and I am a living, breathing human, so of course I love puppies and fun. But that still doesn't mean that I think that one of Netflix's most toxic, dysfunctional couples should get back together. Since you're probably still giving me a stink eye through the computer screen, let me outline my reasoning. Here are seven reasons Piper and Alex shouldn't get back together.
1. Alex Is A Liar (And Also The Worst)
Let's not forget that the only reason that Alex got out on parole in Season 2 is because she basically sold Piper out. For that reason alone they shouldn't get back together, but I'll keep going in order to strengthen my case.
2. Alex Is, Essentially, The Reason Piper Went To Jail In The First Place
Piper, of course, has some agency in this as well, but if Alex hadn't convinced her to act as a money mule for her drug runs, she would never have been able to give Piper's name to the cops, and Piper wouldn't have ever been sent to Litchfield to begin with.
3. We Need To Let Piper Be Single For A While
I mean, really. Alex broke her heart, then her fiance went and cheater on her with her best friend. I think we need to just let Piper be Piper for a while.
4. Am I The Only One Who Wants Piper And Nicky To Get Together?
Not, like, right now, because I literally just said that I think Piper should be single for a while. But I love Nicky and Piper's dynamic, and it'd be nice to see Nicky have a more stable relationship with someone other than Red.
5. Season 3 Needs To Be About Something Other Than Piper & Alex
Like, let's focus on Daya and Bennett's baby, or Big Boo, or the new inmate, maybe! Give us all a break from Piper-and-Alex drama for a while, and maybe by Season 4 I'll be whistlin' a different tune.
6. Alex Should Focus On Settling Back Into Prison Life
If this featurette is to be believed, Alex is having a hard time dealing with the fact that she's back in Litchfield after having been on parole. Methinks she should deal with those emotions before dealing with the screwed-up ones she has for or concerning Piper.
7. Less Piper & Alex Drama Means More Suzanne
And who doesn't want more Suzanne? No one, that's who.