I am envious of a lot of things on social media, but specifically, I'm jealous of people who take great selfies. Taking a perfect selfie is not a skill I have. I'll look in the mirror, and my winged eyeliner looks great. Then I take a selfie and it's suddenly apparent that I missed a spot and only half my eye looks lined. Maybe I lack attention to detail, or I simply don't have good light in my apartment, but my selfies are starting to look more and more like sloth selfies by the second. Practice makes perfect for some people, but in my case, practice makes me look marginally more like one of the aforementioned sloth photos.
While some may say it's embarrassing when the closest comparison to my selfies is an animal that is found in Central and South America and spends majority of its day eating and sleeping, I'm not fussed over it. As it turns out, we could learn a few things from sloths. Some breeds can rotate their heads a full 90 degrees, they eat and sleep in their tree homes (paradise), and according to Live Science:
"After around nine hours of sleep, the sloth still doesn't make an attempt at getting friendly with others. They live solo lives. The closest a sloth gets to social time is sleeping in the same tree with another sloth."
...THAT ALREADY SOUNDS BLISSFULLY LIKE MY LIFE.
If you now feel the ~kinship~ with sloths that I feel, please join me in cruising through my selfie album from this weekend, via sloth pictures:
1. Me in NYC re-enacting a scene from Two Weeks Notice, or other like rom-coms
2. Me preparing to flirt
Wide eyes, pouty smile, can't lose.
3. Me posing as Rodin's "The Thinker" to bring class to my evening
I know, so artsy.
4. Me waiting for delivery
What do you mean there's a 55 minute wait?
5. Me when Donald Trump announced his candidacy
My vibe was "Regal and concerned."
6. A selfie for when no one comes over to compliment my new dress that I got on sale for $9
Ask me where I got it please? (Okay, H&M.)
7. The moment before I take my selfie
8. When I attempt a no make-up selfie
Is it working? Do I look natural?
9. Me in my natural habitat
Cruising through the In-N-Out by the airport. (That's right, I can recognize which In-N-Out it is just by a vague picture.)
10. Spooning my roommate even though she doesn't want to cuddle selfie
11. When I stay in for the night but try to make it look cute in a selfie
Blanket position on fleck.
12. "Look at me in the DJ booth" selfie
Stay tuned for my sloth rap.
13. Candid selfie of me staking out a cute guy
Is winking still a thing people do?
14. "I'mLikeHeyWhat'sUpHello" selfie
15. Running a 5K selfie
Maybe if I'd trained for it better..
16. Eye roll selfie
I was going for Liz Lemon, but this sloth is going for Shania.
17. Me after taking 16 selfies that all failed
Is my phone broken?