7 Things The New Fifty Shades Of Grey Book Reveals About Christian, Like That He Is A Really Good Judge Of Bra Sizes

It’s hard not to read the new Fifty Shades of Grey book Grey and learn something you didn’t know about Christian Grey. After all, the entire book is dedicated to telling the first novel from his point of view. You can hardly walk in a man’s shoes and not at least glean some facts about his life, right? Right. Go with me here.

Aside from all the very obvious things, like learning more about Christian’s childhood, and delving a little deeper into the Elena/Mrs. Robinson plot line, I was surprised to learn a few things about Christian I hadn't expected. Perhaps least significantly of them all, how much he f*cking curses. (Seriously, he swears a lot!) And he doesn't exactly hold back with saying "holy crap" like someone else we know.

But there's plenty of other stuff that E.L. James' newest addition to the Fifty Shades collection reveals about Grey. Here are seven of the many things that I I learned about the copper-haired, fabulously wealthy enigma known as Christian Grey (after I was done digging through that ridiculous vocabulary of his, that is):

Christian Knew He Wanted Ana From The Very Start

From the second that poor bumbling brunette fell into his office, Christian was hooked. I’m even tempted to say it was love at first sight for him. I think I’m a little happy to say that even though Grey is totally creepier from Christian’s point of view than Fifty Shades of Grey is from Ana’s, at least Christian kind of recognizes that what he’s doing is weird.

For instance, there’s a scene where he’s sitting in front of Clayton’s hardware shop, arguing with himself about what he’s doing “sitting in a suburban parking lot in a dreary part of Portland” about to go stalk a girl he’s only met once before. Where Ana couldn’t see Christian’s inner struggle (who could, with that inner goddess tangoing around inside her brain) the reader of ‘Grey’ can, and it reveals that much more about Christian’s motivations toward initially pursuing Ana.

When the prey is the one telling the story of the hunt, everything is creepy but tinged with a sense of trepidation. When it’s the hunter, it’s strangely victorious.

We Learn A Lot More About Christian As A Child — Like How An Early Name Was “Maggot”

I always kind of had a little sympathy for Christian’s mother. From what we knew of her, she was a woman who had made some bad choices and had the bad luck to have to care for a small child while she was dealing with major issues in her own life. But I always thought she at least cared for her son and tried to protect him when she could. Grey dives directly into flashbacks at the very beginning, showing a young, pre-Grey Christian playing with toy cars on the dirty floor, hiding from his mother’s abusive boyfriend, and dodging abuse from his mother as well. It’s a miracle he’s as well-adjusted as he is... which, OK, is hardly at all.

Even sadder, it’s hard to see flashbacks involving his Grey siblings, Elliott and Mia. We find out that Elliott was afraid of Christian for a while as children, and though we knew before that Christian didn’t speak to his new family until Mia arrived, we find out in Grey that his first word to them was actually her name.

Christian Is A Really Good Judge Of Bra Sizes, But Not So Great At Body Language

In the original book, when the reader is treated to Ana’s version of events following her drunken mishaps at a Portland bar, we hear her wonder how Taylor, Christian’s bodyguard guessed her bra and jean size so adeptly.

Surprise, surprise Miss Steele. It was actually Christian who sent Taylor out with instructions to buy the new clothes, including the lacy blue bra and panty set.

But when it comes to noticing things that really matter — Like if Ana actually likes him back — Christian is surprisingly dense, and very unconfident in himself. He’s constantly running around Portland trying to impress Ana when they first meet, but he can hardly read any of the sign that she was so obviously throwing him when we were reading about it from her point of view. I can’t tell if this is a holdover from when Fifty Shades was still Twilight fanfiction, or if it’s a fairly true-to-life retelling of crossed signals in the early stages of a romance.

Everything is a “Deal” or a “Game” to Him

“Game on, Miss Steele.”

“Oh Miss Steele. Game on.”

“Well, game on, kid.”

Christian is apparently very fond of referring to any sort of disobedience from Ana as a direct challenge. Add that to the fact that he keeps referring to their arrangement as a “deal” (As in, “I’ve lost this deal.” “She’ll never agree to the deal now.”) and you can tell Christian is not only business-like in his glistening office, but extends it to his personal life as well. And while we get to see much more of hi everyday dealings with his company — deals in Rwanda and other third-world countries are constantly being referred to — sometimes you just want to shake the character until he takes off that constantly professional face he’s always wearing and acts like a normal human being.

He Really, Really Does Not Like Kate Kavenagh

By the end of Fifty Shades of Grey, I knew Christian and Kate were at odds with what they thought was best for their mutual friend Ana, but I certainly never picked up on the vehemence with which Christian treats Kate in this new book. If he’s not pissed at her for not holding back her hair outside the bar, then he’s mad that she is giving him the stink eye in her own house for making her roommate cry, or glaring at her for daring to pull Ana aside at a party to make sure the friend she hasn’t seen in days is okay.

I’m just saying, what’s with all the Kate-hate, Christian?

The Elena/Mrs. Robinson Storyline Simultaneously Makes More Sense And Is Also Much, Much Creepier

For one thing, Elena also calls Christian “baby,” which is super creepy when you think about it in the whole “Laters Baby” context that is Ana and Christian’s “thing.” But Christian’s point of view regarding Elena (also known as Mrs. Robinson to Ana) are very very kind. We have to remember that Christian never saw what she did as abuse (even though it totally was) until Ana really made him think about it. Even then, he was very kind to her, until she tried to screw over Ana.

So while Christian definitely wants the readers to soften up toward Elena, it’s hard to forget that the sexy flashbacks with her, are also with Christian… as a 15-year-old boy. Ew.

Christian Cusses… Like, A LOT

Total use of the word:

“Fuck” - 408 times “Shit” - 141 times “Bitch” - 21 times “Cock” - 44 times “Damn” - 54 times

Look, I swear as much as the next girl. I would have made an excellent Boston fishwife back in the day, but even I think this is a little much. It’s certainly a 180-turn from Ana’s comparatively chaste swearing, with her “holy crap” catchphrase. I’m just saying, when he’s not using ridiculous and unnecessarily large words, he’s probably cussing up a storm. We can all agree that Christian’s book was bound to reveal a lot of things about Christian we didn’t already know, and delve deeper into the issues we thought we already knew a little about. You can hardly have an entire book from the man’s point of view and not get to know him a little better. I think though, surprisingly, Christian isn’t as dark as he likes to pretend. Sure, he cusses a lot and prefers the dark, doesn’t practice the same religion as his family, and says ridiculous things like “I’m fifty shades of fucked-up,” but overall, he’s a complicated character in a sea of one-noters. To me, that makes him, and his book, interesting.

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