Hi, my name's Kristian, and I'm a book nerd. (Hi, Kristian.) I don't ever remember not loving books. I take after my mom; she's a total book nerd. We were at the library at least once a week when I was a kid, and when she started working there, that was fine by me. Five days a week, surrounded by books? Count me in!
I read more than most people I know, and that can be pretty alienating at times. Like when you're telling someone about this great scene in the novel you just read, and they're all excited until they realize you're talking about a book. Or when you're trying to talk to your family about the reading challenge you're doing, and you catch them giving each other the side-eye about you. Disheartening, to say the least.
Still, being a book nerd has some major perks. You always know when the new books will be shelved, and you're amazing at Jeopardy! and quiz bowl. Sure, you laughed a little too hard when Poussey and Taystee held a memorial service for the burned books on Orange Is the New Black — "Jonathan Livingston Seagull, bwahahahahaha!" — but at least you got the joke. So pat yourself on the back, book nerd, and let's commiserate.
You Feel Like No One Reads Books As Fast As You
“What have you read lately?” is a question that fills you with an even mix of dread and excitement. Why? Because no one reads books as fast as you do. You've blown through two books this week alone. So, instead of giving your friend a laundry list of the last 10 books you've read — all this month! — you say "Y'know, some good stuff!" and vow to make new friends on Goodreads next week who'll understand your glee ABOUT BOOKS BECAUSE BOOKS.
You Think You Have a Psychic Gift For Spotting the Next Great Novel Based On Its Cover
Although, yes, it's true that sometimes great novels are hidden behind crappy covers, you swear you have the uncanny ability that resides deep down in your soul to spot an incredible book based on its cover. Yes, you can go to the New Releases section and spot the next award winner. OK, so, maybe that's a bit judgmental... but it's a gift! Or maybe it's a curse.
The Wait for New Reading Material Can Be Excruciating
One of the biggest challenges with being a book nerd is that some of that authors that you love deeply like to take their dear, sweet time. It isn’t fair. Donna Tartt, did you really need a decade to write The Goldfinch ? I mean, it was worth it, but... That’s why you wind up knowing your favorite books almost by heart; you've just read them that many times. You keep your well-worn Margaret Atwood close, and your Toni Morrison closer.
You Have a Serious Opinion On Fifty Shades of Grey
Love it or hate it, you have a definite opinion on it. (And you may have read it over someone's shoulder on the train... no judgment. In fact, solidarity.) But with all the women on the earth reading Grey, you have some thoughts on E.L. James and her Fifty Shades series, and you WILL be heard.
You've Seen Every Book-To-Film Adaptation, But You Know the Books Are Always... Oh, Do I Even Have To Say It?
They're better. The BOOKS ARE ALWAYS BETTER. And if you could only communicate this, the world would understand your soul!
Your E-Reader Makes You Feel Like a Bit of a Traitor
Whenever you see someone coming out of the library with a fresh bag of old books, you long wistfully for the days when you had room for books. But your apartment looks like Gandalf's study, and you know if you bring one more book home, the headlines will read, "'Bound to Her Fate': Book-Lady Dies Under Literary Landslide." So you sigh and turn on your e-reader, hoping one day it will magically sprout paper pages and be a "real book."
You've Got a Conspiracy Theory That Those Different Thriller Novels Your Grandpa Reads Are All Written by the Same Person
The last time you were at your grandparents' house and you picked up that book on your grandfather's TV table — it's you, so you'll always pick up the book — you gave this one some serious thought. Didn't this writer just put out another book last month? you wondered. How could he have written both of these so close together? So, now the question is: Do they keep one guy locked up in a tower somewhere just writing, or is there a secret factory?
You Hope No One Ever Finds Out That You Didn't Really Read That Book
You know the one I mean. That book. The one you gave four stars to on Goodreads, that you proclaimed was "Good, but not perfect"; that you read half of and decided you just couldn't bear it any longer; that you keep saying you'll finish one day. I have one, too, but I won't tell! PSA: You don't have to feel bad about not reading a book! But you probably shouldn't like about it, so delete it — quietly — from your Goodreads shelf. Trust me: no one will notice.
I feel you, book nerds. And I love you all.