The 7 Stages Of Google Stalking Someone New — Admit It, You Know You Do It Too
Let's just get it out in the open: google stalking is common these days. NBD. Everybody does it, and it doesn't make you a creep — just a person with a healthy curiosity about new people in your life. We live in the information age, and we're addicted to knowing as much as we possibly can about everything else, so why should we deny ourselves the satisfaction of stats and facts when there's a digital private dick at our fingertips? In fact, just this morning I google stalked a girl I met at a party last night because she told a few oddball jokes and seemed like a good partner-in-crime prospect. How else am I going to find out if it's a match made in friendship heaven — ask a mutual acquaintance?
As anyone with a computer knows, unlike background checks, google stalking is the cheapest, easiest method for digging up dirt on a future boo, business partner or friend. And by dirt I really mean useless facts and random pictures. Google stalking is usually less about discovering that the guy you're going to meet for coffee is actually a Mormon polygamist and more about finding out what bars he goes to, how he takes a selfie, and other inane yet intimate details about his life. Friend and colleague stalking functions pretty much the same way, and yet somehow, in 2015, some still feel a little guilty about indulging in this very widespread practice. So in the spirit of dispelling any remaining stigma, here are seven stages of google stalking that you probably know very well.
1. Denying You'd Ever Google Stalk Someone In The First Place
No way. Only insecure weirdos stoop this low. You have way better things to do than stalk some stranger online...right?
2. Typing In Their Name Real Quick Just To See What Comes Up In Autocomplete
It's not google stalking if you don't hit "search." Maybe you can find out a little something just from the most popular search terms that pop up after typing his/her name...
3. Clicking Search (But Just To Skim The Results)
You're not going to actually click through every search result, it's just a harmless skim. It's the Cliff Notes of a real google search. You still haven't succumbed.
4. Looking At Their LinkedIn Profile (That's So Not Creepy Right?)
LinkedIn doesn't count. It's a professional networking site. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to connect with other like-minded professionals!
5. Moving On To Facebook, Their Website, And Anything Else Major You Can Find
It'd be weird just to keep it at LinkedIn. Facebook is just as innocuous, and his personal website is only there to be looked at anyways, right?
5. Going Deep On Six Pages Of Search Results
That's it. You surrender. It feels so good, though. All this information at your fingertips, why did you take so long to give in? Why?!?!
6. Repeating The Process All Over Again Next Time
Regardless of the information you do find, and despite the shame, excitement and relief you feel after the seven stages of google stalking, you know that next time, it's all going to go down in the exact. same. way. You are powerless to resist.
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